We all do.

I walk with Rube and Bumper on either side of me, and the crowd is silent. The blood is drying on to my skin. My legs move forward. Once more. Once more. Just keep walking, I tell myself. Head up. Head up, I chant, but still concentrate on y’ feet. Don’t fall down.

There is no applause.

Just people, watching.

Just Stephanie, out there somewhere, watching.

Just Rube’s proud eyes, as he walks next to me …

‘The door,’ he says to Perry, and Perry opens it, when we get there. On the other side, I fall down again, swallowing my blood and turning over to grin at the ceiling. It drops and squashes me, then rises up and does it again.

‘Rube,’ I call out, but he’s miles away. ‘Rube …’ A shout now. ‘Rube, are y’ there?’

‘I’m here brother.’

Brother.

It makes me smile.

I say, ‘Thanks Rube. Thanks.’

‘It’s all right brother.’

Again with the brother.

Another smile on my lips.

‘Did I win?’ I ask, because now, I can’t feel anything. I’m one with the floor.

‘Nah mate.’ He won’t lie. ‘You got hurt pretty bad, ay.’

‘Did I?’

‘You did.’

Slowly, I regain edges of composure. I clean myself up and watch Rube’s fight through a gap in the door. Bumper’s in his corner in my absence, even though my brother doesn’t need him. I see Stephanie, swaying with the rest of the crowd, just watching when Rube knocks down his man in the second. I see her smile and it’s a beautiful smile. But it’s not a grandstand smile. It’s not a smile for me. I have drowned in those eyes. I have vanished in the sky. And there I am, remembering that she doesn’t really like fights …

The bout ends later in the round.

The girl ends two minutes after it.

She ends when Rube goes past and she says something to him. Rube nods. It makes me wonder. Has she asked if Cameron’s okay? Does she want to see me?

The thing is though, that I can tell. Her eyes cannot be for me.

Or can they?

Soon we’ll know, because during the next fight, Rube goes out the back door, and listening, I can tell he’s talking to her. He’s talking to Stephanie.

I’m close. Too close, but I can’t help it. I have to listen. It starts with Rube’s voice.

‘You wanna see if my brother’s okay, do you?’

Silence.

‘Well, do y’?’

‘Is he all right?’

I’m in her voice for a brief moment, letting it cover me, smother me, until Rube sees things clearly. He says it hard.

‘Y’ don’t care, isn’t that right?’

‘Of course I do!’

‘Y’ don’t.’ Rube’s made up his mind. ‘Y’ came for me, didn’t you?’ A gap. ‘Didn’t you?’