Now, for instance, he looked quite stricken suddenly, and begged her to come back very soon, not to linger. It was true that her presence supported him, that he needed her, but she felt herself stiffen. “Very well,” she said, “I’ll come right back.”

“Get Grace for me on the phone will you, dear? I really must talk to her.” He said it quite casually. As usual by yielding, she had become a kind of servant.

“Do it yourself, Damon. I don’t want to talk to her.”

The swing door to the kitchen swung behind her. She was safe in the kitchen, where no one would notice that she was trembling with anger. Expect her to call that arrogant old woman, indeed!

There seemed no barrier between Damon’s inner self and his flesh, she thought. He wore himself outside. But her inner conflicts were buried deep. Sometimes looking at herself in a mirror, she felt that she was caught in her body, lost too deep to be found or ever to come out. She envied women who could get angry, throw things. She envied Grace Kimlock, who, she knew, thought her a perfect fool. Someday, she had told herself for years, she would walk out of the house and not come back. But what she did was to take down a mixing bowl and prepare to make a dessert for supper.

She could hear Damon on the phone, the amazing tenderness in his voice, “I know how it is for you, Grace—how it is for all of us, like the end of the world.… I haven’t seen anyone, except my students. I had to lecture at ten.” A note of reserve crept in. “Oh, she’s terribly upset, of course. I must see you, Grace. May I come in after dinner?”

Of course. He would only let her go out for a moment, but he would leave her alone all evening. What is happening to me, Julia thought, frightened of her own bitterness? This is not what Edward meant to do. We’ve got to be more not less than ourselves now. We’ve got to grow.

But she couldn’t help being glad when it turned out that Grace couldn’t see Damon till tea the following afternoon. There was a meeting, it appeared, something to do with police brutality, and even the death of her best friend would not keep Grace Kimlock from going into battle, Julia thought with a grim smile.

III

III