I expected a servant to come out and wasn’t prepared for Samuel himself in a tank top and basketball shorts, the same lanky frame, just an elongated version of the boy I remembered. He even had the same bowl cut and shy smile I’d seen him offer when he encountered new people, even though I wasn’t a new person.

“I heard you were in town,” he said as he came to the gate.

“I’m taking everyone out in Manila, my treat,” I said, and then, remembering: “Bring Rosanna.”

“We already have plans with her family tonight,” he replied. To cover for my disappointment, I asked him how his life had been since I left. He told me about UP and how impressed he was that I’d gotten into Harvard, how he was now a junior manager for a corporation in Manila, in a distant tone like we hadn’t spent countless hours together, as if he wasn’t my closest friend before I left.

“Why don’t we get together while I’m here?” I asked.

“I’m going back to Manila tomorrow.”

I was about to offer to meet him in Manila when, seeing that he was already at his door and wanted to go back to the safety of his house, I realized he wanted to finish this interaction as soon as possible. He hadn’t even opened the gate, hadn’t even touched, let alone hugged me. It was how I knew he recognized who I was and found me pitiful, even disgusting, that he disavowed whatever we were to each other, our friendship, my love.

In the fifteen steps between the gate and our van, I composed myself and informed everyone that Samuel couldn’t come, maintained that composure as we picked up a few more friends, through the entire ride in Manila, during dinner at Barrio Fiesta, during dancing at a club called Euphoria, and during the long ride back to the province, arriving in my old room after two in the morning, where I finally eased my grip but couldn’t even cry, because there was nothing to cry about. I didn’t know how to be heartbroken about a love that existed a decade ago, that I made no effort to maintain when I left, and turned out not to be real. But I did know that I needed to get out of that house, so I woke up the next morning and told my grandmother that I was going back to Manila and checking into a hotel.

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