Perhaps it was my mistake for not laying out these rules more explicitly, I wondered as I lay there motionless, plotting my next move. Maybe I should’ve gotten Troy to sign some sort of self-pleasure contract, or at least offhandedly mentioned once or twice that I’d appreciate it if he wouldn’t lotion up his lap snake while I was lying a couple arm lengths away.

But, there we were, the moans of his chosen film’s protagonist struggling to overcome the “squish, squish, squish” of her viewer’s strokes. He was making no apparent attempt to hide the fact that this was happening, either so enraptured by his task or so convinced that I was dead asleep across from him. His confidence made me wonder if this had happened before, if perhaps I’d been snoring through night after night of this and had no idea. And sure, while this entire incident sounds like the beginning of every gay porn ever filmed, I still wanted it to end. Nobody wants a masturbating dick they didn’t ask for, especially not one that’s attached to a vodka-soaked wannabe heartbreaker with a chronic cough.

I’m not one for confrontation, or for awkward encounters, or really for any interactions of any kind. I certainly wasn’t about to let him finish, but I couldn’t imagine sitting up, looking at him dead in his stupid, slack-jawed face, and telling him to unhand his sausage. So I did the easiest thing at my disposal: I let out a loud, prominent cough, accompanied by some light stirring and grumbling, not quite an “AHEM,” but a discernible enough action to send the message: “I am awake. I hear everything. Please sheathe your penis.”

Momentarily, the squishing stopped, and I heard the tapping of his finger on the volume key as he lowered the sound of the moaning video. There was silence, and I stirred again, just to say, “Yep. I am totally awake. Let’s just everybody put their penises away, and we can get on with pretending this never happened.”

The silence lasted, and I let out a sigh that we’d solved the problem swiftly and amicably, with no seed being needlessly spilt.

But the silence lasted only twenty seconds. There came again the “tap, tap, tap” of the volume returned to its previous level, the moans resumed breathlessly from his headphones, and the accompanying “squish, squish, squish” carried on with renewed vigor.

“OH MY GOD,” I screamed in my head. “NOW WHAT?”

Still determined to solve this without having to actually acknowledge that I’d been awake this whole time, I took drastic action. I started to roll over. Until then, I’d been steadfastly facing the wall, giving Troy all the privacy of my turned back. But surely if I turned to face him, even with my eyes still closed, he’d have to stop. No man in his right mind would take that kind of risk.