I’m persevering with my attempts at self-discipline when it comes to things, like these exercises, that might give me some sort of structure in the pre-move chaos. But to be genuinely useful as discipline, these exercises need to be about forming the letters first and foremost, without me getting carried away by the contents of the discourse. My handwriting needs to become larger and, of course, perfectly legible. I breathe deeply in an attempt to calm my nerves, not thinking about all the things I have to do, but since really I can’t stop thinking about them, it doesn’t matter what I write. I need to pack up my books—put them all into neat piles, that is, and tie them with pieces of string. I also need to watch a considerable number of videos, some because they relate to work I’m doing, and some to make sure we get our money’s worth after renting the VCR. There are other move-related things I need to sort out as well. I don’t know exactly what they are, but I should. I’ll need to think about them, then, and make a list. I should also spend a bit of time officially entering 1991, bringing my schedule up to date, and I need to buy a diary for this year. Then I have to, or I ought to, get ready to publish, or to attempt to publish, a few books. But since it’s quite clear that I don’t have enough time, I choose to wash my hands of everything and play on the computer instead.

January 13

Yesterday’s handwriting exercises certainly helped me concentrate on the things I have to do, and I even managed to start organizing and tying up my books without despairing too much. Writing this is rather uncomfortable, though, because when I took the books off the shelves, they brought with them a shower of paint and plaster chippings from the wall, which had been building up on top of them for a considerable time. Many of these tiny specks are now underneath this piece of paper, getting on my nerves and making my work more difficult. I don’t know why I didn’t think to wipe the table top (I seem to remember it’s tabletop rather than table top). I don’t know why I don’t do it now. But I carry on writing.

G G G G G G G G G G G G Great, I forgot how to do the G again. My problem is that I can never remember where to start, and if it doesn’t happen naturally then thinking about it gets me nowhere. There must be some knack to it, but I haven’t found it yet.