April 1

Juan Ignacio is now at soccer practice, Alicia is at work, and the maid is at home (or wherever she is—she’s not here, anyway); the Holy Week guests have now left; it’s now 7:30 p.m., the walls are exuding no buzzing noise whatsoever, and I even managed to doze off for a few minutes; I’ve now been for a walk on the beach with Alicia and felt how my body is deteriorating; I’ve had breakfast and lunch and a snack and cleaned my teeth three times; it’s now no longer too hot, in fact it’s pleasantly cool; the dog isn’t barking and there’s nobody at the door; the working day is now over, or almost over, for many people. And so I can now sit at my desk and, after so many days of total inertia, begin these exercises again.

I’ll start paying attention to my handwriting now; I knew it was bad from the outset, but I was in a hurry to get down what I was feeling. From here on in I can start to expect a bit more of myself and begin thinking about the shapes of the letters. I don’t think I’ll ever manage to write legibly and quickly at the same time; // I’ve just been interrupted, first by the doorbell and then by the phone//. Not too long from now, I hope to have sorted out a place to work. Then I’ll be able to get down to these exercises, and everything else, in earnest.

April 3

I’m searching for and discovering strategies that might help me survive this strange state of marginalization within my own home. Yesterday I managed a good siesta, making the most of a pause in the buzzing, and at night I found a mysterious spot in the bedroom where the vibratory waves canceled each other out, creating a hollow of silence, or relative silence, where I could sleep. I suspect the battle against the noise won’t be over as quickly as it seemed, though; the electricity board claims they’re going to solve the problem once and for all “today or tomorrow” by removing the faulty machine, but they’ve said that before without anything changing. Maybe we’ll end up in court. We’ll see. Another factor contributing to my marginalization, the maid, is less of a problem now that she’s been replaced by a new maid whose presence doesn’t radiate aggression and who, conversely, seems interested in cooperation. Still, a house with servants is a “house taken over,” or at least a house with ever-changing occupied zones. If in the unaggressive presence of the current maid we could do a few basic things (more water in the tank, doors that close properly, etc.), my marginalization would be easier to bear. There would still be the presence of Ignacio, with his intrusive curiosity about everything I do. In his case, the educative efforts will need to be intensive and immediate. There’s also the problem of Alicia and her unpredictable hours, but I don’t think that problem has a solution. My marginalization will always ultimately be sustained by her, even if everything else can be happily resolved. Nevertheless, there’s hope that I might be able to start work again, in a future that doesn’t seem too distant or impossible to reach.