Then I raised my glass again, and I made a promise to Harry. It wasn’t the kind of promise you break, even though no one was listening. Then I reached back inside the box and took out the record he’d left me, and put it on my turntable and played David Bowie’s “The Laughing Gnome.”

And then, all alone, in my empty house at eight o’clock in the evening, I finally began to laugh. I’m not the kind of man who tends to laugh aloud much nowadays, but tonight I did, and heartily; and I drank a toast to Harry Clarke, that joker, that innocent, that friend, who, in spite of everything, had never lost heart, or given up hope, or ever stopped looking at the stars.

Chapter 5

5

Michaelmas Term, 1981

Dear Mousey,

Those rabbits were a mistake. They attracted too much attention. But what can I say? I was having fun. Besides, catching rats takes time. We needed something meatier.

At first I thought Ratty had done the trick. But Goldie and I could both see that Poodle still wasn’t cured. In fact, he seemed to be getting worse. The magazines. The nightmares. The scars. We needed a better solution. Besides, I had my own problems. The rabbits helped with that too. Poodle cried, but Goldie—well, he’s almost as good as you, Mousey, when it comes to the dirty. And he’s good at saying the words, just like his dad and Mr. Speight.

Of course, he believes in all that stuff. Angels and demons and Heaven and Hell. Plus, like his dad and Mr. Speight, he thinks being queer is a mortal sin. I think they make too big a deal. I mean, it’s hardly life and death. But that’s what he’s like, Mousey. Shiny and clean on the outside, but crawling inside with nasty thoughts. Well, can’t blame him for that, I guess. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder why they don’t see what I am. Most people are pretty stupid, though. I guess you just have to expect that.

Poodle was sick again afterward. We made him wash his mouth out, before he took the rabbits back. Then we waited and hoped for the best. But even though he was sick for days, we could tell he wasn’t cured. He’s staying away from school now. I think it’s because he’s avoiding me. Well, that won’t work. We can’t stop now. We’ll finish what we started.