The more I thought about it, the more advantages I could see. I wrote out a mini-business plan, including a section on market potential:

1. Everyone dies at some stage in their life, typically at the end of it. That’s a large market segment to go at, particularly if this segment could be targeted pre-death.

2. Everyone experiences grief and bereavement. This represents a fantastic opportunity for a poem written with tact and sensitivity.

3. Competition is weak and divided. Existing death poems have typically been written out of personal experience rather than a cool assessment of market requirements and an in-depth understanding of the voice of the customer.

I sat back in front of an old episode of Rebus, smiling to myself. I just had to write the thing now.

Sunday August 5th

First up with any new project: a visit to the bookshop. I bought a new anthology of poems on death and bereavement as well as a few other titles: Grieving for Dummies; Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s On Death and Dying; Death: A Graveside Companion; Coping with Loss; A Guide to London Cemeteries; and James Joyce’s The Dead and Other Stories.

Arriving home, I realised I’d forgotten this month’s book group selection: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. I went back to the bookshop to pick one up and, while I was at it, Allan Ginsberg’s Howl and Other Poems and three walking maps of the North Yorkshire coast. It had been an expensive day but I managed to find the money from somewhere.

Monday August 6th

It is proving much harder than I thought to write a really good funeral poem. It’s very easy to move from the universal to the personal and – as a result – potentially limit a poem’s audience. To circumvent this problem, I am considering a multiple-choice format:

Farewell, my dear departed father / mother /

sister / brother / granddad / granny / lover /

auntie / uncle / cousin / friend / associate*

(* please delete as appropriate).

I will miss your generosity of spirit /

good sense of humour / patience beyond limit /

growth mindset / assorted flaws and imperfections /

joie de vivre / Fleetwood Mac record collection

not to mention those beautiful blue eyes / green eyes /

brown eyes / grey eyes / powerful, muscular thighs /

bow ties / wimples / dimples / broad hips / soft lips.

You were unique. A one-off. You will be much missed.

But Death, alas, snatched you from us far too soon /

after a good innings / last Tuesday afternoon.

And we gather here in this church / crematorium /

cathedral / cemetery / multi-faith emporium /

synagogue / prayer room / forest clearing at midnight

to wish you well as you go into Allah’s light /

on an exciting new journey / with God’s good grace /

screaming into the void / to a better place.

I’ve given it a provisional title of ‘Farewell to [Insert Loved One’s Name Here]’.