I didn’t care for it much. The rhymes seemed a little forced. I worked on it for a while longer but produced nothing more of note, except for a doodle of a cat on a skateboard. I was quite pleased with that. The cat was wearing headphones and I’d drawn a speech bubble coming out of its mouth with the words “I AM A CAT ON A SKATEBOARD!” written inside it.

I am forty-five years old.

I wondered whether it was my working conditions that were the problem. It is unnaturally quiet. This is partially explained by the temporary absence of students next door, whose general rowdiness frequently serves to keep me awake most of the night and disturb me for much of the day. By contrast, Mrs McNulty, on the other side, is typically as quiet as a pea, except for the occasional sounds of sawing and her Wednesday night séances.

In the hope that a change of scenery might help, I got up to press on with the rearrangement of my bookshelves. This year, I’ve decided to re-order by International Standard Book Number. I went at it tenaciously and must have lost track of the hours. It was time for bed and I’d still only got as far as Little Dorrit (or 0192545124 as I have now come to think of it).

It was only then that I remembered my New Year’s resolution. I took another look at my duvet poem. Would that do? Probably not, I decided. My cat doodle also seemed less impressive now. It looked more like a dog. A dog on a trolley.

Two days! That’s all it has taken for my resolution to be smashed on the craggy, unforgiving rocks of my literary negligence. All in all, this constitutes one of my better efforts of recent years.

Wednesday January 3rd

I would like to apologise for the delay

I would like to apologise for the delay

in coming to work today.

This is due to a signalling failure

between my primary motor cortex and pyramidal motor pathway.

I shall remain here instead,

sidelined in this bed,

until further notice.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in going for a run today.

This is due to leaves on the tracksuit

I wore last week,

during my unsuccessful attempt to bury myself

in a coppiced wood.

I would be there still, if I could.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in joining your skiing holiday.

This is due to the wrong kind of snow,

which, as far as I’m concerned, is any kind of snow

that enables people

to hurtle down slopes, at speed,

on skis.

I would like to apologise for the delay

in taking part in life today.

This is due to delays.