But then he went and showed me

how badly I’d been behaving.

II The Ghost of Christmas Present Perfect Simple

The next night, a ghost again:

with a much more recent scene.

More evidence piling up

of how unpleasant I have been.

III The Ghost of Christmas Future Unreal Conditional

A final late night ghostly vision.

But this one lacked the pain and strife.

I saw if I could be a kinder man,

I would create a better life.

I went to Mrs McNulty’s house and watched The Muppet Christmas Carol with her. She tells me it’s her favourite Christmas film, along with Gremlins and The Shining. Mrs McNulty may be as crazy as a wheel of cranberry-infused Wensleydale but she’s not so bad, really.

Christmas can be a difficult time for some, particularly the lonely. I stayed with her to 11pm until she asked me whether I was ever going to leave, hadn’t I got a home to be going to?

Tuesday December 25th

The big advantage of spending Christmas Day on your own is that you remain entirely in control of your own agenda: what time to open presents, what to watch on television, what food to eat, when to fall asleep on the sofa. The downside is the relentless gut-wrenching loneliness of it all.

Perhaps it was just as well, then, that Sophie had invited me over to lunch. She’d rather I weren’t there, she told me, but Dylan had asked and I could at least help them get through some of the food and drink that she now seemed to have over-catered for. I headed over with my microwaveable nut roast.

For one day, at least, we were a proper family again. We exchanged presents; I had a new diary notebook from Sophie and Gil Scott-Heron’s Pieces of a Man on vinyl from Dylan. In return, I gave Sophie a Desk Calendar containing 365 Inspirational Quotes and Dylan got a copy of Meat is Murder by The Smiths. Then we ate too much food, argued about what to watch on the television and collapsed on the sofa, happy not to be going anywhere.

Wednesday December 26th

Job Interview with a Cat

Tell me, what is it about this position that interests you?

The warmth, perhaps? The security?

Or the power you must feel by rendering me useless?

Feel free to expand if you wish.

I see you have had experience of similar positions.

Can you talk about a time when you got someone’s tongue?

Or were set amongst the pigeons?

Have you ever found yourself in a bag only then to be let out of it?

Tell me, how would you feel if you had to walk on hot bricks?

What about a tin roof of similar temperature?

With reference to any of your past lives,

has curiosity ever killed you?

Finally, where do you see yourself in five years?