Still, at least after the PR disaster that was PenguinGate, my social media presence seems to be on the rise again: I now have nineteen followers. It was less cheering news on Facebook, where Sophie continues to inflict more photos of Stuart and her together upon an unsuspecting populace. I have made a note to ask Sophie whether she has had him DBS-checked.

Monday January 29th

Monetization

The ad said

MONETIZE YOUR FOLLOWERS

so he thought

he would respond;

he painted them

in the changing light,

like waterlilies

in a pond.

I’ve been invited to an idea shower with the big enchiladas next month as they look to move the needle. According to Janice, my role is to serve as a grassroots-level pulse-check. Her PA told me later that this meant I’ll be attending a two-day meeting next month in a hotel near Leamington Spa. He showed me the website. It boasts of the hotel’s proximity to the tree-lined fairways and fast greens of a 190-acre golf course.

The awayday is provisionally entitled ‘Feeding the Funnel: How to Bring Home the Bacon for our Stakeholders’. I’ve been charged with putting together a PowerPoint presentation on how we might monetise our social media presence. Yes, me! If I were to monetise my own social media presence, I’d make about ten pence.

In other news, the cat is still acting suspiciously and has avoided all eye contact with me since Friday.

Tuesday January 30th

In the interests of research for Leamington Spa, I spent most of today on Twitter, assessing online opportunities for monetisation and short videos of pets falling off items of high furniture. To my disbelief, Toby Salt now has more than two hundred and fifty followers on Twitter, including a Radio 4 presenter and a well-known stand-up comedian. I can only conclude that there must be another, more successful Toby Salt out there and they have inadvertently followed the wrong person.

Wednesday January 31st

New Year Haiku Horoscopes