Monday October 22nd

Conspiracy Theories

But let us consider this poem more closely.

Given the steadiness of the author’s hand,

it seems clear that it cannot have been written

from the location of the grassy knoll,

as often supposed, but more likely

from the vantage point of an upstairs window,

perhaps even multiple windows. The theory

that there may have been several authors

involved in its composition should not be ruled out

at this stage. For more on the poem’s capacity

to summon evil spirits when recited backwards,

please refer to my YouTube documentary.

Some have questioned whether this is a poem at all

and argue the existence of another poem – a better poem –

that didn’t make it onto the page we see before us.

It is hard to refute these claims.

DI Lansbury and Sergeant Tuck arrived unannounced this time and asked if they could take a look in my writing shed. They believe it may be ‘pertinent to the enquiry’.

‘Well, I’m afraid you can’t,’ I told them. ‘A writer’s shed is his castle. You’ll need a warrant.’

DI Lansbury sighed. His beard rippled gently like a field of wheat in a late summer’s breeze.

‘OK, then, sir. If you’re going to be like that, we’ll get one.’

‘How’s the case going, by the way?’

‘Very well, thank you,’ he replied tetchily. ‘We have a couple of theories that we’re in the process of validating.’

‘Such as?’

‘One is that Mr Salt has been murdered in a crime passionnel. A sudden fit of rage from a rival, jealous of his literary acclaim.’

‘Oh, right,’ I said, with as much indifference as I could muster. ‘Although it seems unlikely that anyone could get themselves worked up over Toby Salt. What’s your other theory?’

‘It’s Sergeant Tuck’s, actually.’

Sergeant Tuck stepped forward. ‘Have you ever read Fight Club, sir?’

I sighed. ‘No. You know very well I haven’t.’

‘Well, in Fight Club there’s this character called Tyler Durden. He’s brash and popular and the book’s narrator finds himself in thrall to him. Anyhow, it turns out that Durden himself isn’t real but merely a projection of the narrator’s mind! Durden is simply an imaginary construction who incorporates all the qualities that the narrator would like to possess had he himself been blessed with that kind of talent and self-confidence.’

‘So your second theory is that Toby Salt doesn’t actually exist?’

‘. . . Yes.’

‘Then why are you looking for him?’

There was a long silence, during which DI Lansbury looked at Sergeant Tuck with mounting irritation.

‘We’ll be back on Wednesday with the search warrant,’ he said.

Tuesday October 23rd

I have now reached page 17 of This Bridge No Hands Shall Cleave. If information scientists were to conduct a study of my reading habits, they would formulate a law which states that: