straight through what is known as – Arklife!

Shem’s got puma poop, he gets intimidated by the dirty chickens

They love a bit of it – Arklife!

What’s that buzzard starting?

You should cut down on your squawklife, mate. Get some exercise.

All the creatures, so many creatures

They all go two by two,

two by two through their Arklife.

Know what I mean.

I get up when I want except on Wednesdays

when I get rudely awakened by the bison – Arklife!

I put on my apron, inspect myself for fleas,

and I think about lemurs and cows – Arklife!

I feed birds, fish, insects. I also feed the mammals, too,

it gives me a sense of enormous well-being – Arklife!

And then I’m happy for the rest of the day,

safe in the knowledge that I’ve remembered

to feed the unicorns at the end of it.

All the creatures, so many creatures

They all go two by two,

two by two through their Arklife.

Know what I mean.

It’s got nothing to do with your horse dung durch technik, you know.

And it’s not about you goldfish, who go round and round and round.

Our day at the zoo passed in a blur. We lingered with the lions, hung out with the Humboldt penguins, loitered splendidly with the slender lorises, lounged languidly with the langurs, moseyed with Geoffrey’s marmosets (Geoffrey didn’t seem to mind) and tarried with the tamarins.

We had hoped to see the silverback gorilla but he stayed in his enclosure all day, watching re-runs of Taggart on his television. I shook my head. Imagine a majestic creature wasting its life in such a way!

On the bus back, I asked Dylan about how he was feeling about America.

‘I don’t want to go,’ he said, turning his head to look out the window.

‘But won’t it be exciting? You’ve always wanted to go there.’

‘Only to visit, not to live. All my friends are here. I won’t know anyone.’ He pressed his head against the glass.

‘Oh, you’ll soon make friends,’ I said. ‘Lots of them. Never forget the hold an English accent has over an American.’

‘But they won’t be the same as my friends here. Everything will be different.’ He paused to reflect a moment. ‘They don’t even put an “s” on the end of “maths”.’

‘Well, that’s because they need it to put on the end of “sports”.’

Dylan smiled briefly.

‘Ah, yes. Of course. But you know what I mean.’

‘I do. Believe me, I do. I know it can be hard to make friends. Change is difficult. But it’ll be an adventure, too. Sometimes shaking things up is good. You don’t want to spend your life being dictated to by the waste-collection schedule. Or when your next book group meeting is. Don’t measure out your life in coffee spoons!’

‘Or in Wetherspoons.’