Smoke fills the cold night air as I stare out into the darkness. I fucked up. How the fuck did I let this happen? How did I put my wife at risk like this? And how the fuck do I fix it?

Too many questions run through my mind. My lips close around my joint and I inhale deep, holding the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can. I need to escape, but there isn’t enough weed on this planet to escape the mess I’ve created.

Cammi is my entire fucking world. I cannot do life without her. And yet, I’ve gone and risked it all. Again.

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” Her voice shakes me from my thoughts. I stub out my joint and stand up before walking her back inside. Out of the cold.

“Don’t come out if I’m smoking. You shouldn’t be around that shit,” I tell her.

“Then don’t smoke,” she counters, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her head rests against my chest. “I’m sorry you’re not happy about our situation, but we need to talk about it, Vin.”

“Not happy? Cammi, I’m never going to be happy when your life is at risk. I fucked up. I shouldn’t have let this happen.” I repeat everything that’s been running through my mind since we heard the news.

“Okay, now you’re being dramatic. My life is not at risk,” she says, pushing off me.

“Your heart could stop again. This could be too much for your body.” The image of a lifeless Cammi invades my thoughts and I try to shake it away.

“Vin, I’m pregnant. People get pregnant all the time. I’m going to be fine.” Cammi moves over to the sofa, tucking her legs up underneath her ass as she sits. “Is… Do… Are you upset that I’m pregnant because you don’t want kids?”

“What? No!” I move towards her. “Cammi, I’m upset because I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” she says.

“You don’t know what could happen. We don’t know what could happen. Pregnant women are emotional. I know because I’ve watched both El and Daisy go through it. Your heart can’t handle the added stress.”

“My heart can’t handle the thought of losing a part of you, something we created together, out of love. Our baby is not going to cause me emotional stress,” she says. “I know it sounds silly, but I love them already.”

My forehead rests on her knees. “I love you,” I tell her.

“I know you do,” she says. “But don’t you think you will love your child too? Maybe even more than you love me.”