Victor sitting. Victor is tidily dressed.

NICOLAS How have you been? Surviving?

VICTOR Yes.

NICOLAS Yes?

VICTOR Yes. Yes.

NICOLAS Really? How?

VICTOR Oh . . .

Pause.

NICOLAS I can’t hear you.

VICTOR It’s my mouth.

NICOLAS Mouth?

VICTOR Tongue.

NICOLAS What’s the matter with it?

Pause.

NICOLAS (cont.) What about a drink? One for the road. What do you say to a drink?

He goes to the bottle, pours two glasses, gives a glass to Victor.

NICOLAS (cont.) Drink up. It’ll put lead in your pencil. And then we’ll find someone to take it out.

He laughs.

NICOLAS (cont.) We can do that, you know. We have a first-class brothel upstairs, on the sixth floor, chandeliers, the lot. They’ll suck you in and blow you out in little bubbles. All volunteers. Their daddies are in our business. Which is, I remind you, to keep the world clean for God. Get me? Drink up. Drink up. Are you refusing to drink with me?

Victor drinks. His head falls back.

NICOLAS (cont.) Cheers.

Nicolas drinks.

NICOLAS (cont.) You can go.

Pause.

NICOLAS (cont.) You can leave. We’ll meet again, I hope, I trust we will always remain friends. Go out. Enjoy life. Be good. Love your wife. She’ll be joining you in about a week, by the way. If she feels up to it. Yes. I feel we’ve both benefited from our discussions.

Victor mutters.

NICOLAS (cont.) What?

Victor mutters.

NICOLAS (cont.) What?

VICTOR My son.

NICOLAS Your son? Oh, don’t worry about him. He was a little prick.

Victor straightens and stares at Nicolas.

Silence.

Blackout.

The Old Days

THE OLD DAYS

Well, there was no problem.

All the democracies

(all the democracies)

were behind us.

So we had to kill some people.

So what?

Lefties get killed.

This is what we used to say

back in the old days:

Your daughter is a lefty.

I’ll ram this stinking battering ram

all the way up and up and up and up

right the way through all the way up

all the way through her lousy lefty body.

So that stopped the lefties.

They may have been the old days

but I’ll tell you they were the good old days.

Anyway all the democracies

(all the democracies)

were behind us.

They said: just don’t

(just don’t)

tell anyone we’re behind you.

That’s all.

Just don’t tell anyone

(just don’t)

just don’t tell anyone

we’re behind you.

Just kill them.

Well, my wife wanted peace.

And so did my little children.

So we killed all the lefties

to bring peace for our little children.

Anyway there was no problem.

Anyway they’re all dead anyway.

1996

Press Conference

PRESS CONFERENCE

Press Conference was first presented as part of an evening of sketches on February 8 and n, 2002, at the Royal National Theatre, London. The cast was as follows:

MINISTER Harold Pinter

PRESS Members of the company