Ah, well, I stammered, overcome by the absolute shocking effrontery and absurdity of it—were all human women crazy? Not that the men were any better. The party around me looked like it had been arranged by Heironymus Bosch, with Camilla ready to drag me behind the fountain where no doubt a gang with bird beaks was waiting to help her ravish me. But it hit me that I now had the perfect excuse to avoid ravishment. I am getting married, you know. As difficult as it was to admit, it was only fair that it come in handy once in a while.

Bassurd, Camilla said. Beautiful bassurd. She slumped suddenly and her arms flopped off my neck. I barely managed to catch her and keep her from falling to the floor.

Probably so, I said. But in any case I think you need to sit down for a few minutes. I tried to ease her into the chair, but it was like pouring honey onto a knife blade, and she flowed off onto the floor.

Beautiful bassurd, she said, and closed her eyes.

It’s always nice to learn that you are well regarded by your co-workers, but my romantic interlude had used up several minutes and I very much needed to get out front and check in with Sergeant Doakes. And so leaving Camilla to slumber sweetly amid her dewy dreams of love, I headed for the front door once again.

And once again I was waylaid, this time by a savage attack on my upper arm. Vince himself grabbed my bicep and pulled me away from the door and back into surrealism. Hey! he yodeled. Hey, party boy! Where ya going?

I think I left my keys in my car, I said, trying to disengage from his death grip. But he just yanked at me harder.

No, no, no, he said, pulling me toward the fountain. It’s your party, you’re not going anywhere.

It’s a wonderful party, Vince, I said. But I really need to—

Drink, he said, splashing a cup into the fountain and pushing it at me so it slopped onto my shirt. That’s what you need. Banzai! He held his own cup up in the air and then drained it. Happily for all concerned, the drink sent him into a coughing fit, and I managed to slip away as he doubled over and struggled for air.

I made it all the way out the front door and partway down the walk before he appeared at the door. Hey! he yelled at me. You can’t leave yet, the strippers are coming!

I’ll be right back, I called. Fix me another drink!

Right! he said with his phony smile. Ha! Banzai! And he went back in to the party with a cheery wave. I turned to look for Doakes.