“What can I do?” I ask, my lower lip starting to shake. I look up to keep the tears from responding to gravity, and a moth flies toward the streetlight.

“It’s not you, it’s—” Gene starts.

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, Helga, I get it.”

Just saying her name turns my spit to acid. My face flushes. I look up and see Helga in the window, peering out and quickly putting the curtain back as she sees me looking at her.

Fuck you, Helga. Fuck the fiery blister of your pie hole where you once made out with a hot dog roll.

“You’re such a dick,” I say to Gene, turning from him and his house toward the road and the dark woods. “I hope you have a really great ten minutes with Helga before she flies back to Germany.” As I cross the street, I leap over a fire hydrant on the other side and call over my shoulder, “I’d say go to hell, but I never want to see you again.”

Dear Gene,

I want to hurl my heart at you. I want to drown you in my blood. I want to run through your window and shatter in your eyes. My chest is nauseous. My heart is full of vomit. I hate you. I hate how you walk with her. I hate feeling you not wanting me. I hate the lack of explanation about the lack of me. There’s a scream in my throat about to get out. I’m screaming now. I can’t stop. Listen. This is the sound I make.

14

Days ’til prom: Seems irrelevant now

NOTICE FROM THE GUIDANCE DEPARTMENT RECEIVED WITH thirty-two days until graduation, because that’s what I should be keeping track of:

Dear Chamomile,

We hope this notice finds you well. Unfortunately, it has come to our attention that you are missing a significant assignment in English class, which is threatening your ability to pass the class, in addition to your eligibility to attend Senior Volunteer Trip. Failure to complete this overdue assignment in two weeks will put you on academic probation, which could result in making up the course over the summer. We have these measures in place to ensure academic excellence. We want you to succeed and are here to provide support so you may do so. Let us know if you have any questions.

Best,

Mr. Garcia

Dear Universe,

I’m sorry for interrupting you with my presence, but WTF? You absolutely bitch-slapped me these last couple of weeks, and my ears are ringing because of it. I should feel scared about maybe not being able to go to Nicaragua, right? I should get some essay tutoring, right? And if Brendan and Abigail are the only people tutoring, I should choose Abigail, right? The easy and obvious answers don’t feel easy or obvious. Honestly, they don’t really feel like answers. Could I please have a sign about what the hell to do next? And not like KICK ME, but a sign. Try not to be subtle about it. I lean toward oblivious even on good days.