“I’ll have more fun when I’m not so nervous about this project presentation,” Abigail says matter-of-factly. I try to exchange a look with her, but she’s too busy rehearsing her presentation under her breath to an audience of none.

“Okay, fair enough,” Evelyn says with a sigh. “I’m excited to hear what y’all have come up with, and I know you’re on the edge of your seats too. Who wants to start?”

“I will,” Doug says, hopping up quickly. The sunglasses fall off the back of his head.

“Great! Take it away!

He jogs to the front of the room, and someone in the back gives him a cheer. “What makes life worthwhile,” he says, pausing dramatically, “starts and ends with the sneaker. Running.”

Damn, why didn’t I think of that?

“There’s nothing in the world like running next to my teammates, feeling the wind through my two-inch locks, and moving my hot bod.” People laugh and he flexes a calf muscle. Evelyn makes a tsk-ing sound but lets him go on. And for the next few minutes he does, his concluding statement being that the mighty sneaker couldn’t do anything without its trusty partner, the other mighty sneaker. “So, that’s it, running is my philosophy.” He does a few high knees, then takes a bow. “Adidas, if you’re watching, please sponsor me.”

We clap and he bows and sits back down in his seat in a much more relaxed fashion than before.

“Shit, that was good,” Abigail whispers, looking at her notes worriedly. “Do you think I have time to change my project?”

“What’s that, Abigail? You want to go next?” I say loudly.

Evelyn looks over at us and points to the front of the room. “May as well get on up there, Abigail.”

“Twat,” Abigail hisses at me, but I know she’ll thank me later.

Once poised at the chalkboard, Abigail tucks her hair behind her ear, pulls her jean skirt down, and begins. “Aretē,” she says, picking up a piece of chalk and writing the word out, “refers to the highest human potential, the best that we can be.” Oh, how I’ll miss the sound of chalk on slate. “It’s a principle that dates back to ancient Greece and the writings of Plato, Homer, and other cool philosophers.…” Evelyn makes an affirming sound that must be the closest a teacher gets to an orgasm. The more Abigail name-drops philosophers, the more my chest swells with pride. Abigail’s presentation is good. Yes, it’s a little bit masturbatory for the valedictorian to argue that what makes life worthwhile is reaching one’s highest potential, but I have nothing against a girl feeling herself.

“That was great, Abigail,” Evelyn says, with a vigorous round of applause. “Which brilliant philosopher-in-training do we have next?”

For the next forty-five minutes, I labor to keep my head out of my ass so I can listen to what people have to say. And I’m not being a suck-up, I swear. (It’s a little late for that anyway.) It’s just kinda cool hearing about what rocks people’s socks. Travis finds fulfillment in the present moment, Josie says something about family, and Danika has a whole philosophy around a deep connection with animals. Maybe my dad would like a service dog? Or maybe I just want a puppy.