What this doesn’t apply to is my college essay. Even with Brendan’s help, I can’t seem to get past Dear College Admissions Person. The e-mail I send to Evelyn is so pathetic there’s no need to include it in my senior year time capsule. Let’s just say I’m finally using my dad’s sickness to my advantage. No need to shake the Magic 8 Ball and ask it if I am going to hell. The answer is yes.

Hey Evelyn,

I’m sorry that my essay is late. Again. I was hoping to turn it in this week, but my dad is dying faster than usual, so I’ve been trying to help my mom take care of him. I haven’t had any extra time to work on the essay, and even though Brendan was a good tutor, I don’t think I’ll be able to pass it in yet. I know me going to Nicaragua depends on getting it in, but my parents need me right now, and I need to prioritize family over schoolwork. Could I get it to you by the last day of class? Thanks.

Your Worst Student

Text exchange with Abigail during which we brave the awkward aftermath of our sort-of-fight:

A I’m sorry.

Me too. C

A I got valedictorian. Mr. Garcia just told me.

OMG remember me when you’re famous C

A Also I texted my cousin and he just broke up with his girlfriend

A Do you want to take him to prom?

Um C

Not really C

Don’t worry. The universe has my back C

Lol jk it lives to screw with me C

A Poor Chamaroon

A You’re coming over this weekend and we’re making progress on your essay.

A I’m not going to Nicaragua without you.

A You owe me for lying

A I can’t believe you made it seem like your parents were weirdos and that’s why you couldn’t have friends over

A and actually you just didn’t want people to know your dad was sick lmao

ok it sounds crazy when you write it out like that… C

A if you ever want to talk about anything i’m here

thx C

A come over soon for that essay?

maybe C

gotta square some things away with the universe first C

WANTED: A MEDIOCRE PROM DATE

If you’re a very good dancer but not a better dancer than me, you should ask me to prom before it happens in two weeks! I’m a cool girl, like comfortable with myself and stuff, and my dentist once said I was “cute,” so I guess you could say I’m a catch. One time I had four cavities filled without Novocain, and I run a six-minute mile without walking, so I’m also kind of a badass. Not that I’m bragging. My GPA is a lot of C minuses, but my best friend says it’s a blessing to be below average. I like paper flowers as opposed to real ones because real ones always die and that depresses me. My breath smells like an Altoid except when I’m chewing. Please don’t apply to take me to prom if you’d rather look at your cell phone than look at constellations. I am a firm believer in wishes and love and wishes that lead to love. I’m making one right now. I’ve had one boyfriend so far, and he asked not to be mentioned in this ad, but his name is Gene and you should not ask him about me. He’s the one with legs on the track team who once asked me to prom quite publicly and then changed his mind. This is the ad to replace him.