Maybe she didn’t ask me questions because she knew everything about me already. And what she didn’t know, she could fill in with everything she knew about my mother. Which was unfair, but what was I supposed to do about it? I knew she didn’t understand, but she never said anything to me, so I never got the chance to correct her. She just looked at me like I was all wrong, the way you look at a sixth finger or a cat with no tail. Or she didn’t look at me. She was really good at not looking at me. When we were alone in the house, time passed like the forming of a scab.

Everything in Lolly’s house is digital. Nothing chimes, nothing ticks. Only the phone makes noise, and ever since Lolly died, it doesn’t.

Lolly’s a clock with no tick and no tock, no pendulum swing, no plastic clack when the minute advances, no second-long flick when the big hand makes its one-degree jump into the next minute, into the future at the exact instant that it becomes the present.

Talk to me, please, talk to me.

* * *

I stumble a few times when I try to stand. I can almost see Lolly looking at me, fucked up and underfed, so high on pharmies I can hardly get up off the floor. I see her seeing me and looking away, shaking her head and letting out a sigh. On my feet I’m facing the window. The day outside is too bright and I’m so dizzy with hunger that I can hardly bring myself to go down to the kitchen to cook. The carpet is soft and thick underfoot. It makes me trip so I steady myself on the furniture and against the walls.

My mother says I should stand up straight. She says I’ll get a hunchback if I keep walking like this. It’s hard but I try to pull my head up, push my shoulders back. She says I’ll get depressed if I walk around with my head hidden between my shoulders, that if I walk with more confidence I’ll feel more confident. So I try to pull my chin up but I can’t do it without crying; still she insists it’ll make me feel better.

She says she’s proud of me because I know how to take care of myself. She says, “You’re so capable. I never have to worry about you, my love.”

“That’s just your excuse to fucking ignore me!”