My heart’s beating way too fast as I head for the door, but I don’t push my way out into the familiar night. I’m tired of the familiar. All the magic and all the good memories of my parents that it brings has me bursting with want. I turn back around. The bird girl and Xander are both still talking to their fans. But Xander’s watching me like he hasn’t taken his eyes off me since I walked away. His expression is odd, like he’s relieved to see me coming back, and then his lips quirk at the corners in a way that makes my stomach flip, and I glance behind me like he must be looking at someone else. His grin widens when I look back at him. I nod in response and take a seat like I’m staying for the rest of the show. I stay there until he looks back at whoever he’s talking to. When I’m sure he’s not tracking me anymore, I get up and stroll through the crowd until I’m at the door that leads backstage. I slide it open and step into a dingy hallway with a naked bulb lighting it. The hallway leads to a back room, and to my left are stairs that head to the side of the stage. I take them two at a time until I’m standing just behind the side curtains. In the center of the stage is a giant tank of water. Maybe the next trick’s an escape artist like Houdini.

It’s different standing back here, where I can see the way the stage curtains are frayed at the bottom, or the gouges in the stage floor, or the bare, dusty beams above. It’s less glamorous than sitting in the audience, but it’s more real. It feels like home.

Muffled laughter and conversation drift under the curtain. I imagine the chairs filling with skeptical people waiting to be lifted out of their daily disenchantment, and those who come enchanted already and want validation that they are right, that the world is magical at its core. You only have to find it.

Being able to give them what they want is where true power lies.

Lights flicker beyond the crack in the curtain, telling the audience the show will go on soon, and I can’t just stand here on the side of the stage where the performers can see me, so I tuck myself behind some boxes that seem to be overflowing with costumes. They’re so dusty I have to hold my breath to stop a sneeze right as the curtain begins to pull open.