I’m spiraling, and I need to catch myself. I always knew what my goals were and how to reach them. But things have changed. I don’t ever want to do this again. I can have a code like Roman. That thought alone keeps me spiraling—I want to model myself after a vampire instead of my troupe because his moral code aligns more with mine.

Shit.

Xander’s hand is on my elbow, leading me from the water and out from under the bridge. The cool night breeze opens up my airways and helps me breathe again.

“The first time’s the hardest.” Xander lets go of my elbow and presses a hand into my back, leading us down a walkway into more darkness where more vampires might be lurking, but I’ve had my fill of vampires for the night.

I don’t tell him it’s not my first time. I may have left out the part of hunting with Roman where we actually got attacked.

“You have to remember they’re not human,” he says. “Not anymore.”

“He looked human.” That’s the part I can’t shake. He wasn’t trying to kill us in that moment. He was someone’s big brother.

“You heard his silence when I asked him if he’d killed anyone. You don’t know who it was or who they left behind.” He turns to me and stops walking. His hand on my back presses me closer as his other hand pulls my chin up to look at him. “You should look at every vampire you see and assume they’re the reason a couple more kids are parentless.”

I cringe and almost yank away from him for using my past like that, but he’s not wrong. That’s why I’m out here in the first place, isn’t it? That fury of wanting to change something unchangeable? He’s also right that Adam didn’t answer—or rather, that silence is its own answer.

I need something to help me erase the memory, though.

I latch on to Xander’s jacket and push him backward until he’s pressed against the chain-link fence lining this side of the park. We’re not that far from where I kissed Roman—just on the other side of the fence. The thought propels me. I rise up on my toes and press my lips into his so we can share our darkness—the things we’re willing to do for our family. I was always willing to wound others for Parker, and now I have another family to protect too.