So when we got to June and James, it was like coming alive again. We were the only foster kids. We had our own bedrooms there. Blank rooms—not generically decorated to appeal to a string of kids. We got to go to Target and pick our own bedroom sets. We got to paint the walls, which felt precious and permanent. I didn’t get yet that walls are easily painted over again. At the time, I just knew they wanted us. I also knew we were on trial, like when you have so many days to take a sweater back to the store if you don’t like the fit.

We were out back playing with the golden retriever, Molly—I don’t know why I still remember her name. I had my hand wrapped around a damp tennis ball while Parker laughed and ran circles around the dog. I was smiling. Then they called us inside and our caseworker was there. They said they loved us but weren’t ready for the responsibilities of two children.

I think it was the last time I smiled without some ulterior motivation behind the expression. My smiles became tricks meant to disarm my audience and let me perform my sleight of hand. Convince them that Parker and I were no trouble. Worth whatever they were getting paid. It kept us together.

But when I smile at Xander as I wait to go onstage for the first time as a real magician, it’s an aching, real thing. The only other real smiles I’ve allowed myself in these last years have been for Parker.

I want to be here, performing illusions more real than fake. This was how Mom must have felt before she gave all this up.

The club we’re in is bigger and shinier than the one in Sacramento, full of chrome and hard edges, with none of the comforting wood paneling that reminds you of a grandparent’s house. I miss the old, musty smell underneath everything. In here, the metal only amplifies the heavy, sweet scent of alcohol.

I stand with Xander on the edge of the stage, waiting for the show to start. He wasn’t thrilled to be performing with Roman, but we did owe him one. I didn’t mention my excitement at performing with another knife thrower.

Earlier, Roman laid out our plan for tonight’s performance, an easy enough trick. Xander and Aristelle will perform before us because Xander insisted on performing too and muttered something about not leaving me alone with a wolf.

The lights black out, and the crowd hushes. In the darkness, the anticipation becomes palpable.