‘Would have been great, yes, if I hadn’t somehow said it took place in a casino when it was really a zoo, and then spent four minutes getting to the punch line but it didn’t make sense because of the, er, because there wouldn’t be elephants in a casino. I mean, this is my point, really. I’m not even that good at telling the story of how I told a story badly.’

‘Well, my love, do you know what, there are more important things than being funny,’ said Michaela. It was only very occasionally she said something like ‘my love’, or ‘darling’, affection being something she preferred to show physically; because of this rarity, it always lit a little fire inside James. ‘The “good sense of humour” thing is a bit of a myth. I think so, anyway. That’s great on a date, someone making you laugh. But you need more. In an actual relationship.’

‘Like, for example …?’

She squeezed his cheek. ‘Are you fishing for compliments, mister?’

‘I suppose that’s exactly what I’m doing. Yes.’

They stood by the tree together. This was fun. James’s parents hadn’t really dressed their place up for Christmas these past few years, now that it was only them who lived there, although Mr Chiltern hadn’t been able to see why not when Sal suggested they should at least get a poinsettia bouquet for the front door.

‘Kindness is way more important,’ said Michaela, ‘being a good person, caring about other humans, giving a shit about the consequences of your actions. Also …’ She fanned herself, she was glowing with sweat, almost as hot as James. ‘Also, carrying Christmas trees. Those are the main human skills, and you seem to have most of them. Yep, I think you’re going to be OK.’

*

The little plastic bulb above the bed gave out an off-white light, the best it could do. It wasn’t a real light bulb, and this, thought James, wasn’t a real place. It was an antechamber. The locations of his life were gone now, the locations and the people who’d lived there. He couldn’t go back to them, any more than those kids – in the book Sal used to read him extracts from – could get back to Narnia if the wardrobe were taken away one day.