It was strange sitting with them. I felt a sense of déjà vu, as if I were with my father and Wang Luhan. Wanting something to happen too much turns it into a recollection of an event that never was. In this false memory, when I went to Beijing in 1993 they brought me to the famous Maxin’s restaurant, then we visited the Shichahai lakes and the Forbidden City, and had a fantastic time, taking lots of pictures. By the time I came out of my reverie, Meng Jing had pushed her plate away, having only eaten a tiny bit of her steak before declaring she was full. Was it more elegant to have an appetite as small as hers? I was starving, though, and wished I could have gobbled down her leftovers as well. Languorously, she watched me eat, then suddenly asked, How old were you when your father died? Eleven, I replied. Car accident? she asked. Yes, I said, He was drunk and collided with a truck. She said, Some people think it was suicide, what do you think? I stared blankly at her. Meng Jing! Yin Zheng roared. She kept her eyes fixed on me, waiting for my response. No, I said. You don’t think he killed himself? she said. Mm, I don’t think so either. Your dad always wanted to come out on top … Meng Jing! said Yin Zheng, Please drop the subject. Then he summoned the waiter and said we should order dessert.

I stood up and said I was going to the restroom. Instead, I walked out of the main door. Outside, I burst into tears. I couldn’t stop crying. I went into a nearby convenience store to buy cigarettes. The shopkeeper scrutinized me the way you would an adrift young woman. I walked back with a cigarette in my mouth, fumbling with my lighter yet somehow unable to make it work. I was almost back at the restaurant when I collided with Yin Zheng. I looked at him for a moment, then buried my head in his chest. I looked everywhere for you, he said, gently stroking my back. In that moment, whether from loneliness or some other reason, I wanted very much to win this man’s love. To steal him away, I should say. The three of us, sitting in that dingy restaurant, brought me back to the warzone of when I was eleven. I’d wanted to steal my dad’s love back from Wang Luhan, but death put a stop to all that. Maybe now that interrupted game of chess could resume.