She huffs. “Of course you’d mention homework. That’s all you think about.”

“Well, I certainly hope you’re not thinking that you’re going to enjoy yourself,” my mum says. “Not while you’re suspended. When you’ve finished your homework, you can help me around the house and cook dinner.”

“Thereby ensuring that nobody else enjoys themselves either,” I say. “Even homework looks attractive next to Anya’s cooking.”

Teddy winces at the thought, but Anya ignores my jibe.

“Homework’s not important when the world is being starved, Misha.”

“Well, it’ll be a bit important if you’re the one who’s going to starve because you didn’t get your GCSEs,” I say mildly. “But then you won’t be able to cook much if you’re going to spend your days handcuffing yourself to other people’s property.” I pause. “Hang on,” I say slowly. “Where did you get the handcuffs from anyway?”

Anya shrugs. “Mum’s room. They were under her pillow.”

My mum gasps and turns bright red. “Oh my God,” she says faintly.

“Oh, sweet baby Jesus.” I sigh. The table bursts into bedlam as all three women in my family start to talk very loudly.

Over the shrieky sound of my mum talking about respect and personal privacy, I slowly lower my head to the table where I bang it against the wood gently. “Have I gone deaf yet?” I say to no one. “Please, dear Lord, let it happen soon, or at least give me amnesia.”

“Okay,” my mum says loudly. “Maybe it’s time that we move on and discuss item two on the agenda.”

“Yes,” I say faintly. “I’m all for moving on from the handcuffs. What is item two?”

“Jim asked me to marry him last week and I said yes. We want to do it in the spring.”

Anya and Teddy immediately exclaim in excitement and throw themselves on my mum, covering her with hugs, while Charlie stands up and busies himself at the stove.

I wince, hopefully unobtrusively. “Can we go back to the handcuffs?” I whisper, but luckily they don’t hear me.

A tiny corner of my mind knew this was coming. When Jim moved in with my mum, he took me out for a pint and earnestly assured me that he loved my mum and the girls and would always look after them. It doesn’t make this any easier though. I listen to them talk excitedly about dresses and flowers and honeymoon destinations and hope that my quietness goes unnoticed.