“Mar, what if she doesn’t like me?” Lillian’s open, asking face told Marianne that Lillian really needed an answer.
But Marianne didn’t have one.
“It’s like…” Lillian said, “I can organize a club, I can swim a meet, I can turn in my essay, sure. If I do that, I’ll probably do well. But with Harper? I don’t know how she feels!” Lillian lifted and dropped her glossy hands. “I don’t know what will happen! Do you know what I mean? I can’t handle it!” Lillian sighed and added dismissively, “I hate this.”
“Just tell her how you feel,” Marianne said. Wasn’t that always the way?
“She wouldn’t disinvite me from her band if she liked me, too,” Lillian said, sounding the most insecure Marianne had ever heard her.
“Or maybe she’s just as pretentious as she seems and it’s truly ‘all about the music’?” Marianne offered.
And, to Marianne’s delight, Lillian grinned.
“That could be it,” Lillian said.
“You have to tell her,” Marianne said. She motioned taking a big dive and added, “Jump in the pool.”
“Yeah…” Lillian said, lost in thought.
Marianne tested their fingernails. Not dry yet.
And they sat together for a moment. They could hear their dad’s muted practicing from downstairs.
“Your suspension is over tomorrow, yeah?” Lillian asked. “How are you doing?”
Marianne nodded. “Well, I ruined Quiz Quest for the team. And I only liked Quiz Quest because of the team. So I’m the worst.”
“Wait, you liked Quiz Quest?” Lillian asked with a smirk.
Marianne let out a surprised laugh. “I like the people. They really deserve to win. I messed it up for them.”
“What about for you?” Lillian asked.
Without winning there’d be no high school. No homecoming with Skyla. No new people. No new chances.
“Eh, they probably won’t let me compete, anyway, so it’s a lost cause,” she said. “I feel really bad.”
Their nails finished, Lillian turned off the bathroom light and they headed toward their bedrooms.
“Could they get someone else to take your spot?” Lillian asked, leaning against her own doorframe, her foot propped up against it so her knee popped out.
“Hmm,” Marianne said. “I dunno.”
Their mom walked down the dimly lit hall and kissed each of their heads to say good night.
They stood in silence as she walked off.
“I’m sorry you had a bad day,” Marianne said.
“You too.” Lillian tried to hide a small sniffle. “Thanks for being there, Mar.”
“Right next door!” Marianne made jazz hands, walked backward into her room, and closed the door.
Lying in bed, pulling the covers up to her chin, Marianne felt the expansion of the universe pulling everyone further apart—Skyla and her brilliance, Lillian and her perfectionist pining, Vi and her constant effort now maybe all for nothing—and she wished for one minute that the Earth and all its many parts could just stay still.
12
HER MOM DROPPED HER off super early to apologize to Mr. Garcia before school started. The sun was only just coming up, and Marianne wrapped her wool cardigan tightly around herself.