But I was tired of being scared. I was tired of looking over my shoulder. I was tired of Dad’s goddamn annoying Soothe Scared Nikki voice. And at the same time, I wished like hell that I could just let him soothe me. That he could make things better. I wished I could open up to him, tell him about everything that had gone on, cling to him for help and support. I hated myself for being so stubborn, but I’d done it for so long, I didn’t know any other way.

“I know they’ll find her,” I said. “But I’m not going to be out there looking for her. And before you ask, no, I don’t have another life plan. But I will come up with one. Maybe I’ll . . .” I paused, at a loss. My life had been all about the Hollises for so long, I didn’t even know how to think about anything else.

“You’ll . . . what?”

“I don’t know . . . paint swimming pools or fix roofs or sell refrigerators. Does it really matter?” I heard the defensiveness in my voice and tried to force myself to tone it back a bit.

“Yes. It does. It matters a lot. It’s your life we’re talking about. You’re an adult now. It’s time to start acting like one.” He replaced his glasses and checked his watch. He took a deep breath and began gathering together his papers. “And we’ll have to talk about it later, because I have a meeting to get to. I’m sorry.”

Thank God.

“It’s okay. I’ve got some thinking to do, anyway.” Translation: I have to go through your shit while you’re gone so I can figure out what you’re hiding from me, and why. One plan at a time, Daddy. One plan at a time.

He stacked the papers in the middle of the table and stood. He came over to me and kissed me on the top of the head. “You okay?” he asked. I nodded. “I’ll set the alarm, just to be safe.”

“Fine.”

“You know where the panic button is.”

“Yes.”

“Let Hue in.”

“Dad, I’ve got it. Go.”

He looked at me a second too long, as if he was debating whether or not to leave, then nodded once and headed out. “You know how to get ahold of me. I won’t be long. I can be right here if there’s an emergency.”