I walk out into the garden. It is a redneck mess, and I am happy with it. The lawn is long, and the leaves are thick on it. Shrubs, vines, and climbing roses are taking the opportunity to increase their territory and smother other plants. Hitler would be proud of them. But one area is under control. In the front corner of the garden is a rectangular patch of green, even manicured, lawn. At the end of the lawn is a small garden bed with roses that have been regularly pruned and are in deep, red flower. In front of the bed are a plaque and a grave. I walk to the grave, kneel, and say, ‘Hey.’ As I do every time. Council allowed us to have James here. Compassion, I suppose. It means I am anchored to this place forever, whether I like it or not. I ask him if he knows what’s going on with the boxes, and he gives me no answer. And this is why I don’t want to be me. I don’t want to be the bloke who lost his son. I don’t want to be the one who cannot escape this story. I don’t want to be the father who will always be without James, and will always have to live with the worst possible thing, no matter what good happens. There is not a day when I don’t want to lie down here, shut my eyes, and cease to exist.

But it is not going to be today, because I feel a weight of responsibility that is new to me. I have things I need to set right. It is time to go on a trip. I need to be away from this house and the people that are coming to it.

I phone Ian, and tell him I need to get away for a few days, and ask would he mind feeding my dogs. He offers to do a water run and anything else that might help, but I tell him it’s fine. I don’t know why, but I don’t want him to see the mess the place is in, even if he probably already knows. When I hang up, I consider ringing him straight back to tell him not to worry. I’ll just give the dogs a really big feed. What if the bad guys or this Dave bloke turn up and hurt Ian? But surely they know what I look like, and Ian will only be here for half an hour a day, and I might be gone longer than a couple of days. I dismiss the thought.