“Yes,” he admits, “but only when I view it in retrospect. I’m loath to admit it, but at the time, I wasn’t worried that I was losing my humanity.” His voice is so quiet, I have to lean in to hear it. “That came later.”

I frown. “When did you worry?”

He shifts on the log to face me, eyes darting across my face so quickly I almost don’t feel the sparks.

“When I saw your bravery. Your fury. Your heart. When I started to see…” He swallows, brows knitting together. “When I started to see what I believe Nicholas sees when he looks at you. Only a monster could look at you and want to destroy you, Bree.”

The knot loosens in my chest a fraction. “But you were still serving your Oath to Nick, then. So even though you were worried, you couldn’t have succumbed that night, not technically… right?”

“Perhaps. But my behavior then affected how I behaved later, after Nicholas was taken.” He inhales. “By the time the Regents arrived, I had been feeling the effects of not fulfilling my Oath for several days.”

I look at him, alarmed. “That early? Sel…”

“I thought I had more time.” He lifts a shoulder. “After I escaped, I did go to the cabin as I’ve told you. I tried to find my mother’s cure…. When I didn’t, all I could think about was finding a way to hide a little longer. From everyone. Once the physical changes began, I knew my nature would soon follow.”

“But you didn’t hide from everyone, did you?” I stand, fighting the tremor in my voice. “William wouldn’t let you carry me inside after Jonas and Kizia. William told you to drink that aether shot to help balance you. Alice said she thought you looked rough, and I blew her off, because I couldn’t see. And it wasn’t just them. It was Erebus and Cestra and Valec. That—that random waitress you flirted with at the bar—” I grind my teeth. “They all knew, but I didn’t. Because you didn’t trust me.”

Sel lowers his head, digs his fingers through his hair. “I was raised not to trust myself! But I do trust you—”

“Then why?” I cry. “Why would you lie to me about this, every time I asked you if you were okay? Did you think that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with it?”

He laughs. “You are the strongest person I have ever met, Bree.”

“What about Nick’s trust in you?” I exclaim. “He said you’d leave before you’d ever hurt me!”

“And he would have been right, before! I wanted him to be right. Leaving you is what I should have done the moment I saw that I was changing.” He looks away. “That alone was reason enough.”

“Why didn’t you?”