The reports also confirmed that Lyle’s rifle was used to kill Trudy and that Lyle was responsible for his wife’s death.

In that horrible week after the shootings, Fortin had two sessions with the counselor Dr. Rebecca Mathson. She was experienced with the psychological fallout of police-involved shootings and had encouraged him to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about.

“Tell me your thoughts, Will. Tell me what’s going through your mind.”

In their first session he’d walked her through that night, step by step, then told her of his inability to sleep, the nightmares, his replaying of events, his remorse, his guilt, and his wish to go back in time and do things differently. “I knew he had guns. I knew it. But nearly everybody here has guns. That’s just the way it is. Still, I should’ve called for backup sooner. I should’ve waited things out.”

“I understand, Will, but this is the wisdom that comes after a devastating event,” Mathson said.

“And if you’d done those things, there’s still no telling how these tragic circumstances would’ve played out. The preliminary reports indicate Trudy was most likely dead before you arrived.”

“But those kids, I could’ve saved the children. I know I could’ve saved them.”

In the second session he’d told her how he’d ached to redeem himself for the innocent lives he took.

Mathson told Fortin that what he was experiencing was a natural human response to an overwhelmingly tragic situation, and that in time and with help, he would come to understand and accept that he was not to blame for the deaths of Billy and Daisy Dolan.

But he’d never accept it.

Never.

Fortin said nothing because locked solidly in his heart was the fact that he was to blame for killing two children, and nothing could ever free him from it.

Nothing.

He saw their faces everywhere.

They haunted him with every breath.

Then he told Mathson that he would attend the funeral, knowing that the force had instructed him not to go because the tragedy was still under investigation. It still held national news interest, and there’d be cameras there. But that would not stop Fortin. He didn’t care that high-ranking officers would be at the service to convey condolences from the force.

“I need to go,” he’d told Mathson.

“Why do you feel the need to be there?”

“Because I’m responsible and I’m not going to hide from the truth.”

Mathson let a moment pass then said: “Your decision to go is yours alone, Will. You might derive some benefit from being there. It could help you process things, but there are risks.”

“What risks?”

“The family is entitled to its reaction to seeing you there. Their devastation could be directed at you.”

Fortin closed his eyes to absorb that possibility and before he opened them, he said, “I would embrace it.”