ARTY: It’s a schnauzer crossed with a poodle. You always make it seem like in here’s the only way and it’s not. Do you know how big the world is, Mum? I wanna see it, all of it. But I gotta get out the front door first.

JOJO: What about me, Moon? What happens to me?

Beat.

ARTY: You could take up squash, go dating on the internet, have friends round and all those things.

JOJO: Squash? You’re sending me to the glue factory with a fucking racket and friends I don’t have?

ARTY: You gotta think how it could be!

In the life Arty’s living in his head

His mum’s a superstar

She lives in a four-bedroom property somewhere posh, like where footballers live, and they have nice delicatessens on the main road and a latte costs four bucks

She’s got a telly wide as a wall covered in purple velvet

And a chandelier that cost 20 grand hangs from the ceiling

And maybe she does a column in New Idea magazine telling people how to live right, be grateful for all the good things they got, how to keep mystery in the bedroom and red wine outta the carpet—

JOJO: Don’t butter me with bullshit, Moon!

ARTY: It’s like they say, ‘Shocking Fat Stories’, you gotta think how to use your celebrity or your celebrity uses you. They can get you PR and everything.

JOJO stares at ARTY as though she had never seen him before.

ARTY cannot look at JOJO.

I’m sorry, Mum, but… a boy’s gotta grow up, doesn’t he?

31 DAYS

LOUISE: I didn’t want this, you know. This is not something I wanted. Definitely not. To tell you the truth, Arthur still tends to… I can’t help it, but he disgusts me. All that… mass. The sheer mathematics of it is astounding.

PRODUCER: What about sex?

LOUISE: Our love is a union of the mind and heart, not the… you know.

PRODUCER: Genitals?

LOUISE flinches.

Cut to

DAN RYDER: You think it’s just the weight you gotta take care of, but I hadn’t taken into account how the surgery was gonna leave my body and the… I s’pose subsequent impairments thereof to the, in the… intimacy department.

PRODUCER: Craggy-faced man with a moustache that could hide a possum

Super

Dan Ryder

Glasgow, formerly 345 kilograms

DAN RYDER: She’d have to get down on all fours, uh, facing away from me, and I’ve gotta lift my stomach apron, which is quite heavy, it’s about 50 pounds thereabouts of skin and fat tissue, and that’s gotta go on her back, to allow access to… y’know.

LOUISE stares at DAN RYDER utterly appalled.

PRODUCER: Louise?

LOUISE is still staring at DAN RYDER utterly appalled.