ARTY: That’s a perfect name for a cat with a moustache.

LOUISE: It does have a certain… panache. I don’t think he’s registered—I should call the council… but I don’t. I put out tuna so he comes

JOJO glares at the camera in silence.

PRODUCER: Mrs Arthur, please—

JOJO: Don’t Mrs me! I said I’m not doing it. Not in this outfit and not without my pearls. What are people gonna think of me? On the telly and not so much as a coat of lippy? Forget it. And you can stop filling my sink with your dirty mugs. I keep this house clean and I won’t have it look like I don’t.

PRODUCER: We’ve been over this. The whole point of reality TV is that it’s supposed to look real.

JOJO: Real? What’s real is I really want my lipstick and I really want my pearls—nothing fake about it.

LOUISE enters.

If it isn’t Dame Busybody? What’s up your nose now? Too many choc chips in the cookies?

LOUISE: We need to talk, Mrs Arthur—

JOJO: Don’t Mrs me! Everyone pulls out the Mrs when they’re thinking the bloody opposite! I won’t have the hypocrisy in my kitchen!

The women size each other up.

LOUISE: Joanne then.

JOJO: Louise.

LOUISE: May I be frank?

JOJO: You can be Paul McCartney for all the difference it makes to me.

LOUISE: I know what you’re doing and it stops now.

JOJO: Who the hell—

LOUISE: Who gave Arthur the cream buns?

JOJO looks away.

He’s on a liver shrinkage diet!

JOJO: They’re cream puffs and they’re lite.

LOUISE: He’s 400 kilos! Stop giving him food!

JOJO: You try saying no to him! He’s very insistent.

LOUISE: Because you’ve made him greedy! Don’t you see that you’ve made him some kind of… Elephant Man so you can play the part of the Bearded Martyr and wallow in this whole… twisted spectacle?

JOJO: What would you do if you saw your child going through the rubbish like a seagull? Soggy chips, raw fish fingers, whatever you like—he’d eat it ’cause he was that hungry. I finished with diets when I saw my three-year-old put a dirty tampon in his mouth! I’m not a monster and I won’t have some bloody broomstick in my kitchen calling my boy greedy / slagging him off for—