ARTY: What about people?

LOUISE: Awful. I saw a young man this morning with a T-shirt that said ‘SUCK MY’ and a picture of a rooster. I understand what that shirt was saying. And he wore it. In public. It’s the way he looked at me as if to say, ‘So what? Suck my… rooster.’ It’s incredibly depressing whenever I think about humanity and how… unpleasant they all are.

ARTY: What about your family?

LOUISE: I have my mother. It’s so nice when you can sit with someone—do you know what I mean? We can sit, maybe a digestive, ABC Radio, a cup of tea (no sugar)… and sit.

Beat.

ARTY: And you like your job, don’t you?

LOUISE: I love my work. I’m very good at it, you know.

ARTY: I believe you.

LOUISE: I’m routinely the highest point scorer in my branch. There’s a points-based system. So if you help an employed person get another job, you get one point and someone who’s been claiming Jobseekers for under 26 weeks you get two points and so on and if you get a disabled person a job it’s 15 points. I always do really well because… the thing is, Arthur, if you apply yourself and do what you’re supposed to do you can’t go wrong. If a recipe calls for 20 grams of unsalted butter then cut that block from 23 grams to 21, and from 21 to 20.25, and sliver after sliver thereafter until you have 20 grams of unsalted butter exactly or why bother with the recipe at all? Do you understand?

ARTY: The people you work with must be so impressed.

LOUISE: Not everyone values discipline. They’re just hanging for Friday night so they can grope each other to ‘Come On, Eileen’.

ARTY: And your friends? What are they like?

LOUISE: They’re…

Beat.

You’re being quite personal, Arthur, poking about in other people’s business.

ARTY: I’m sorry. I thought that’s what this was. What you do. Ask questions and… y’know.

LOUISE: I can poke in other people’s business, Arthur—that’s my job. But I don’t get poked—there’s a difference. And I’d prefer to stop using that verb altogether. It’s… suggestive.

ARTY: Of what?

LOUISE: Honestly, Arthur. You’ve seen television. You can’t pretend to be that naïve.

ARTY: Do you have a cat?

LOUISE: Why would I have a cat?

ARTY: I thought lonely women keep cats to keep from being lonely.

LOUISE: I’m not lonely!

ARTY: Sorry.

LOUISE: Stop apologising all the time! It’s weak and weakness is very annoying!

ARTY: Sorry—I mean… sorry.

Pause.

LOUISE: There’s a cat that sometimes sits outside my window—since you’ve asked. His face is mostly white with a black bit above his mouth and it looks like he’s got a moustache, which I find… charming. Sometimes I think about him even when he’s not there. I wonder what he’s doing, where he lives, who he’s with. I call him Mr Ludovic.