The Vicar (looking down soothingly from the pulpit): ‘Some of us remember David Melrose as a paedophile, an alcoholic, a liar, a rapist, a sadist, and a “thoroughly nasty piece of work”. But, you know, in a situation like that, what Christ asks us to say, and what he would have said himself in his own words is’ (pausing) ‘ “But that’s not the whole story, is it?” ’
Honest John: ‘Yes it is.’
The Vicar: ‘And that “whole story” idea is one of the most exciting things about Christianity. When we read a book by one of our favourite authors, be he Richard Bach or Peter Mayle, we don’t just want to know that it’s about a very special seagull, or that it’s set in the lovely campagne, to use a French word, of Provence; we want the satisfaction of reading all the way to the end.’
Honest John: ‘Speak for yourself.’
The Vicar: ‘And in very much the same spirit, when we make judgements about other people (and which one of us doesn’t?) we have to make sure that we have the “whole story” spread out before us.’
Attila the Hun (basso profundo): ‘Die, Christian dog!’ (Decapitates the Vicar.)
Vicar’s Severed Head (pausing thoughtfully): ‘You know, the other day, my young granddaughter came to me and said, “Grandfather, I like Christianity.” And I said to her (thoroughly puzzled), “Why?” And do you know what she said?’
Honest John: ‘Of course we don’t, you prannit.’
Vicar’s Severed Head: ‘She said, “Because it’s such a comfort.” ’ (Pauses, and then more slowly and emphatically): ‘ “Because it’s such a comfort.” ’
Patrick opened his eyes and uncurled slowly on the floor. The television stared at him accusingly. Perhaps it could save him or distract him from his own involuntary performance.
Television (snivelling and shivering): ‘Turn me on, man. Gimme a turn-on.’
Mr President: ‘Ask not what your television can do for you, but what you can do for your television.’
Ecstatic Populace: ‘Hooray! Hooray!’
Mr President: ‘We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship . . .’
Von Trapp Family Singers (ecstatically): ‘Climb every mountain!’
Mr President: ‘. . . support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of television.’
Ecstatic Populace: ‘Hooray! Hooray!’
Mr President: ‘Let the word go forth from this time and place, that the torch has passed to a new generation of Americans – born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage and unwilling to do anything except watch television.’
‘Yes, yes, yes,’ thought Patrick, crawling across the floor, ‘television.’
Television (shifting restlessly from wheel to wheel): ‘Gimme a turn-on, man, I gotta have it.’
Viewer (coolly): ‘What you got for me?’
Television (ingratiatingly): ‘I got The Million-Dollar Movie. The Billion-Dollar Man. The Trillion-Dollar Quiz Show.’
Viewer: ‘Yeahyeahyeah, but wot you got now?’