“Don't worry, it's not nasal candy, it's plain old emotion. And the emotion I feel for that bastard, even with his being dead, is pure hatred. Isn't that amazing—after all these years? I'm surprising myself with how much I hate him. Because he made me hate myself—it took years to get out from under his fucking bad love.”

“The private sessions,” I said.

“Real private . . . he hit me where it counted. I didn't need anyone tearing down my self-esteem—I was already fucked up enough, not able to read at thirteen. Everyone blaming me, me blaming myself . . . my sisters were all A students. I got D's. I was a premature baby. Difficult labor. Must have affected my brain—the dyslexia, my other prob—”

She threw up her hands and fluttered her fingers.

“So now it's out,” she said, smiling. “I have yet another problem. Want a shot at that diagnosis, Contestant Number One?”

I shook my head.

“Not a gambler? Oh, well, there's no reason I should be ashamed, it's all chemistry—that was my point, wasn't it? Bipolar affective disorder. Your basic, garden variety manic-depressive maniac. You tell people you're manic and they say, oh yeah, I'm feeling really manic, too. And you say, no, no, no, this is different. This is real, my little pretties.”

“Are you on lithium?”

Nod. “Unless the work piles up and I need the extra push. I finally found a psychiatrist who knew what the hell he was doing. All the others were ignorant assholes like Dr. Botch. Analyzing me, blaming me. Botch nearly convinced me I did want to fuck Daddy. He totally convinced me I was bad.”

“With bad love?”

She stood suddenly and snatched up her purse. She was six feet tall, with a tiny waist, narrow hips, and long legs under a charcoal-colored silk miniskirt. The skirt had ridden up, revealing sleek thigh. If she realized it, she didn't choose to fix it.

“He's worried I'm leaving.” She laughed. “Mellow out, son. Just going to pee.”

She made an abrupt about-face and sashayed toward the rear of the restaurant. A few moments later, I got up and verified that the restrooms were back there, and the only exit a grimy gray door with a bar across it marked EMERGENCY.

She returned a few minutes later, hair fluffed, eyes puffy but freshly shadowed. Sitting down, she nudged my shin with a toe and gave a weak smile. Waving for the waitress, she got a refill and drank half the cup, taking long, silent swallows.

Looking ready to choke. My therapeutic impulse was to pat her hand. I resisted it.