of a person who wakes up and thinks, what should I do today, hmm, oh I know! I’ll get an enormous treble clef needled into my skin, that’ll be soooo beautiful; this one, who dresses like she was conceived and fucking live-water birthed in a Talbots; and this one who— elephant in the room: you heard her sing? Were her professors deaf or just lazy? Either way, she spent god knows how much money in college and in private little voice lessons in Wilmington so she could sing like that— only to go on two auditions before dumping that dream off like an unwanted baby in a dumpster, so you wanna suddenly get all women’s rights with me you can’t believe I called your precious little girlfriends inferior, what should I call them? Ambitious? Intelligent? Fucking brainiacs? All I’m saying is what everyone else with eyes and an IQ above sixty can see as plain as day which is that while you may be an arrogant entitled smug little fuck, you do have options. You’re smart, you’re getting a Ph.D. from the University of Chicago and you do come from all this money and— and it pains me to say it, but you’re not completely atrocious looking. You could actually date a woman who was your intellectual equal but instead you find these tepid little Bambi creatures to impose this hyper-masculine hegemenonical totalitarian regime on even though you like to like think you’re like this like super sensitive in touch sensitized like dork-chic Chicago grad student who’s like uber-liberal and totally devoted to the preservation of these little cultural studies because studying Japan is definitely worthy of five years of intensive labor, but studying torah for all of ten minutes is only worthy of total utter snide sniveling disdain; if you found yourself in the middle of a rain dance you would be soooo respectful trying to do every movement perfectly to like honor every Native American who ever lived, but if you found yourself in the middle of a hora— I’ve seen you in the middle of a hora— you look like you want to fucking die; if someone asks your religion you proudly state, “I’m an atheist” but the second anyone starts a little Israel-Palestine discussion, it’s like, find me a stopwatch and let’s count to ten because it won’t even take that long before I hear, “As a Jew …” because then you’re a Jew, but only when you can use it to bash all things Jewish which somehow makes you stand a little taller, doesn’t it, puts a little pep in your step like you’re so fucking enlightened even though you reek of fucking cliché; you haven’t lit a menorah since the nineties, but hello Facebook photos of you in a Santy Claus hat ho-ho-hoing it up next to the Christmas tree you put up in your apartment, and it was kind of obvious that, for whatever reason, you actually liked wearing that cheap fake crushed red velvet hat with the shitty white pom pom on the end, or maybe it wasn’t the hat, maybe it was just getting to stand under the mistletoe and smooch paper-cut-lips Melody, amazing, dynamic, smart-as-shit Melody, the icon of your ideal woman, because we know, a woman who’s actually trying to make something of her life and her intellect is worthy of your harshest criticism but a woman with zero career goals and maybe point two brain cells and less than no talent is a genuinely good person, you two must be so genuinely happy, spending time with her must be a scintillating experience, in fact, I myself had the chance to talk with her this evening and she really does offer up an intellectual feast for the mind, I can only imagine the topics you two must cover in your daily conversation, subjects like, how cute she looks on the bunny hill, or, how cute she looks in her Talbots secretary outfits, or really what it all comes down to: hhhhow nice it is to fuck an ethnic-free bush!