Bert    No sweat, it’s on me, cleaned the Cowardly Lion out at lunch. Told him, said: ‘Never mind asking the Wizard for courage; when you get to the Emerald City, you just ask him to teach you how to play craps, you schmuck.’ You should join us sometime, Charlie. They’re good people . . . Garland let me sit on her lap today . . . gee, I had me one hell of a fucken boner, she must o’ noticed, put me down real fast, must o’ thought I was gonna toss my cookies right there and then. What I wouldn’t give to stick my head up that gingham dress and munch away on that sweet apple pie o’ hers . . . (Looks to Raymond’s bed.) . . . That fucken pain in the ass not been back yet?

Charles winces and shakes his head in the negative.

Bert    So whaddayasay?

Charles    What do I say about what?

Bert    Play our cards right, might even pick up some Munchkin pussy. I heard those two Dutch dwarfs sucked just about every cock in Culver City, coroner reckons they’re partial to a toot or two on the white stuff . . . but you know me, Charlie, I don’t listen to gossip . . .

He pulls out a little bottle and winks at Charlie.

. . . Cocaine. Cost me a pretty penny . . . can’t see the attraction myself, if I wanted to get paranoid I’d compare dick sizes with the Scarecrow, got a pecker on him the size o’ Philomena . . . So whaddayasay?

He looks around the floor for a bottle with any whisky left in it.

’S’bout time that cocksucker put his hand in his pocket. He’s putting the bite on every fucken midget here, owes the Mayor fifteen bucks, even tried to tap up the Wicked Witch o’ the West for a five I heard . . . When’s that fucken leprechaun gonna start cleaning this place up! If she didn’t spend so much time soaping up that stinking pussy o’ hers . . .

He lights up his cigar and looks across at Charles. Charles has his head bowed.

. . . You know she ain’t really no dwarf. She was once five ten, she’s just fucken shrunk on account o’ all the time she spends in the tub . . . What’s eating you, Charlie?

Charles    Nothing . . . I just . . . I want to . . . I just want to go home, Bert.

Bert    As little miss cock-tease herself says: ‘There’s no place like home.’

Charles    I need to –

Bert    You want my advice, you stay away from that fucken cocksucker Ray if you want my advice. Guy’s trouble. Guy’s getting himself a name, I hear things, people are talking about him. I knew, knew it wouldn’t be no time ’til people started talking ’bout him, knew it wouldn’t be no time at all ’til Ray got himself a name. I could – I mean – if I was like that, if I was that way induced I could tell you things about that cocksucker.