I don’t realize that I’ve growled until Sofia comes closer to me and takes my hand. I don’t realize how hungry I am for contact until her fingers touch mine and I don’t want to do anything but cling to her—and not let go.

I pull back as though she’s burned me. “We should be careful. We should keep our distance.”

“Do you want me to do it?” The worry in her eyes only makes my hesitation worse.

The raccoon is still struggling, fighting for its life, and bile rises in my throat. I can be violent when I’m angry, but this is different. The raccoon is defenseless. I want to take the easy way out and say Yes, please. Please kill this animal that I captured. Let me pretend I have nothing to do with this.

Instead I kneel down next to it, and I take my knife. If I can break bones, I can do this too.

The raccoon screeches. It frantically tries to get away from me. Maybe it knows what’s coming. Maybe it’s simply the instinct to survive.

This is survival too. It has to be.

I reverse my grip on the knife so I can use it as a blunt weapon. I want to close my eyes, but I understand what a terrible idea that would be. Instead, I breathe in, hold my breath and my hands steady, and the moment I spy an opening between the raccoon’s flailing claws, I let the knife come down. The impact resonates through my hand, and the raccoon goes limp.

Before I can stop to think, before I can stop to breathe even, I bludgeon it again, then I flip the knife over and stab it.

Behind me, Sofia gags.

I can’t. I have to make sure it’s dead. I have to make sure it’s not in any pain.

But once I have, once I’ve made sure it doesn’t breathe anymore, I drop the knife right next to the trap, stumble a few paces away, and vomit.

Necessity makes monsters of us all.

Another Kitchen Inventory List

Or: learning to appreciate what nature gives us

• 2 bags of rice (50 lb each)

• 1 1/2 bags of potatoes (50 lb each)

• 3 bags of beans (50 lb each)

• 4 bags of flour (25 lb each)

• 2 loaves of bread that look fairly edible

• 5 boxes of cereal (Which is definitely still edible even without milk.)

• 2 cans of tuna

• 5 cans of green beans

• 8 cans of chickpeas

• 2 cans of carrots

• 1 bag of lentils

• Vegetable stock powder

• Five packets of ramen

• 1/2 pot of instant coffee for special occasions

• Leftover instant soup

• Still an absolutely ridiculous amount of tea

• 2 bars of chocolate

• A tin of glazed pecans

• Still with those raisins

• 16 jars of peanut butter (I really didn’t expect I’d come to appreciate peanut butter this much.)