‘I want to talk … I mean, I need to. I want to try … I’d crouch down. Tiny.’

They’re closer. My brothers. Near me now. Closer again. Little eyes peer in through the slats in the press.

Cold. Hot. Hot. Hot.

‘Hearing myself breathe was terrifying. I hated it, the game. Absolutely hated it. I’d try to breathe really deeply but that wouldn’t work. I always had a snotty nose like Nathan.’

We laughed again.

‘I’m sure I could be heard outside.’

Ready or not. Keep your spot. Or you’ll be caught.

‘I’d see my brothers’ eyelashes fluttering and my whole body would pound. First my heart in my ribcage, thumping, but then my head and then my whole body. Even my teeth would chatter.’ I stopped, took a sip of water, crushing the plastic cup, the sides were sharp and they stuck into my palm.

Here she is.

Alex’s eyes were fixed on me uncomfortably. It was rare we spoke like this.

‘And eventually … well …’ I hesitated. ‘I’d stay there so long that I’d … I’d eventually … wet myself.’

‘Fuck.’ He stood up from his chair, backed off a little, and then sat near me on the bed. ‘Shit, Sinéad, you never said, I’m so sorry.’

‘Oh, it’s not a big deal. It’s fine.’ I shrugged.

‘Did it upset you?’

‘Course.’

‘I can imagine. Actually, no, sorry, I can’t … I can’t imagine.’

Ready or not keep your spot or you’ll be caught.

‘You ever win?’

‘Always.’

He looked puzzled.

‘I’d fling open the doors and punch my brothers in the face and tell them they were cheaters and that they weren’t allowed to stand that long looking in at me without saying they were “hot” and so I’d win by default,’ I said, closing my eyes.

‘So you didn’t win. Sinéad, that’s not winning,’ he said. ‘They just let you away with this, that’s really not winning … They ever fight you on it?’

‘What does it matter, Alex? We were kids. Technically I didn’t win. You’re correct, Alex,’ I said, slowly, carefully. ‘But they were decent, they didn’t … They could see my wet pants, they backed down, they didn’t tell on me either.’

But we played it over and over. And it was always the same. I didn’t dare tell Alex he was the only person who didn’t always let me win, that this was a good thing. I didn’t tell him that I wouldn’t be punching out at anyone any more, but as with Father and shutting him the fuck up, I wasn’t sure this was such a simple thing to stop.

‘You feel cornered now?’ Alex asked, as he held my gaze, which was woefully awkward, but as embarrassed as that made me, I didn’t close my eyes or laugh or snort or curse like I usually would, like I always did when someone tried to see inside me. It was a simple question. To which there was only one answer. But I needed to appease him. He worked in simple. Explain. Explanations. Total simplicity.