Back Armageddon Outta Here
Chapters (21)
  1. Title Page
  2. Dedication
  3. Table of Contents
  4. The Timeline
  5. Introduction
  6. Across a Dark Plain
  7. The Horror Writers’ Halloween Ball
  8. The Lost Art of World Domination
  9. Gold, Babies and the Brothers Muldoon
  10. The Slightly Ignominious End to the Legend of Black Annis
  11. Friday Night Fights
  12. Myosotis Terra
  13. The Wondergul Adventures of Geoffrey Scrutinous
  14. Just Another Friday Night
  15. The End of the World
  16. Trick or Treat
  17. Get Thee Behind Me, Bubba Moon
  18. The Button
  19. Exclusive Peek at the Dying of the Light
  20. Copyright
  21. About the Publisher

All in all, it had probably surprised no one when she started eating people. Her parents’ friends had probably nodded when they’d heard, maybe shrugged, saying something like, “Aye, doesn’t surprise me one bit, her eatin’ people. Always had that look about her, didn’t she?” Black Annis didn’t mind. By the time she was twenty she’d eaten everyone in her village, parents and all.

That had been… how long ago? Two hundred years, maybe. Now she had streaks of grey in her black matted hair, and her face was lined and she wore her age like an ugly shawl. This was her life – living in a cave that opened into a ditch, kept awake during the day by the tractors that ploughed the field above.

A rat scampered in from the ditch outside and she snatched it up. It was thin and mangy and squirmed in her grip, but she hadn’t eaten in a week, so she bit down and the rat squealed and its warm blood ran down her throat.

She munched through it, not bothering with the tail, which was always too chewy, and dropped the remains at her feet. She coughed up a hairball and spat it out, then wandered back to the fire at the centre of the cave.

She heard Scrannel returning, heard the clanging of his armour, and she allowed a spark of hope to permeate her usual dour humour. He was hurrying. Maybe that meant he’d been successful. Maybe he was struggling with someone. She heard him lose his footing and splash and crash into the ditch. She didn’t care who he’d brought with him – child, adult, old person, she genuinely didn’t care. She was regretting eating the rat now – she should have held off a little longer. She heard Scrannel hiss in pain – either the meal had struck him, or he’d become tangled in the thorns again. Black Annis licked her lips, picturing a plump child, maybe ten years old. She was starving.

But when Scrannel appeared at the cave mouth, he was alone. Disappointment became a weight in the pit of Annis’s stomach.

“Hullo,” Scrannel said, his armour dripping with ditch water. “I’m back.” It wasn’t real armour, of course. He had made it from an assortment of tin products and segments of corrugated iron. It was held together by nuts and bolts and pieces of frayed string. It clanked when he walked. It clanked when he didn’t walk. It just clanked.

“Where’s my dinner?” Black Annis asked, even though the answer didn’t interest her. The only thing that mattered was that she wasn’t going to eat. Again.

“No one’s about,” Scrannel said, giving an apologetic shrug that kicked up quite a racket. “Everyone’s asleep.”

“Of course everyone’s asleep,” Annis snapped. “It’s night. You were supposed to sneak into a house and grab someone.”