“Look, all I’m saying is this isn’t the Empire. I don’t see why the way you live there has to be how you live here. I don’t see why you got to be so Semadran when you’re crashing with a nahsiyya gang.”

“I am here with my mentor.”

Sorcha raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. I know. You’re here with Lor, right? So why hold back? I’m not trying to pressure you, I’m not, I just don’t understand.”

Something about the way he said it struck me as very odd. I looked over at him. “Why would it matter that I’m here with Dirva?”

Sorcha looked back at me with impatience. “Because! C’mon, he plays at it, sure, but he’s not so silver deep down. He had Ro. Like he’d hold me against you. He’s a lot of things, but he’s not a hypocrite. I don’t think. Hell, I don’t know. Maybe he is.”

“Ro?”

“Liro. C’mon! Ariah, this is you and me. Can’t we leave him out of it? Can’t we ever not talk about him?”

My mind ground to a halt. I had idolized Dirva for four years, which felt to me a lifetime at that age. I had struggled so hard to grow into him, with his brusqueness and his ineradicable will. Four years I had lived with him, studied him, mimicked him, and suddenly it seemed I had no idea who the man was. At that moment, he wasn’t Semadran, he wasn’t who I thought he was, and suddenly I didn’t really know who I was either. It was terrifying.

Sorcha let out a noise of frustration. “Ariah, look. I like you, I do, but I don’t need this shit right now. My da’s dying, yeah? Lor’s not the only one feeling it. So, just hurry up and decide. Stay or don’t. I don’t have the patience these days to sit around while you sort it out. Just pick one or the other and go with it.”

He had not spoken with me about his da’s death until then. I had been, shortsightedly, keeping my life with Sorcha and the heavy weight of Nuri’s death separate. They felt separate. In some meaningful way, I had forgotten Sorcha was part of that family and one of those children about to be left behind. “Sorcha, I’m sorry.”

He leaned back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. “Just go, then.”

“No, I’m sorry about your da. I’m sorry about this. This is stupid. I’m being stupid.”