They’d be sitting cross-legged. They’d chat about something. She’d stop. Would alter her body language.

“What am I thinking?”

Could they still interact with a human they weren’t linked with? Could they find connections that weren’t obvious on the surface? Or would she grow to feel less and less real without the direct presence in their minds?

They surprised her. They did well. Sometimes, when they were in groups, scarily well.

Sunday night, Sarai asked if she could stay up later than the others, for just a little bit. She was the oldest. Sam gave her permission. Just one hour. They took a walk, through the campus, between the trees, under the stars. Sam took Sarai’s hand in hers. The air smelled of jasmine. It was pleasantly cool, a benefit of Bangalore’s elevation.

“What am I thinking?” Sarai asked.

Sam laughed and looked at the girl.

“You’re thinking that turnabout is fair play.”

“I miss Jake,” Sarai said.

“Oh, sweetie.” Sam pulled her closer.

“What do you do when you’re sad that he’s gone?” Sarai asked.

Sam’s heart ached.

“Sometimes…” she said. “I cry. Sometimes I meditate. Or I run.” She paused. “It takes time. The heart heals, like anything else.”

She turned Sarai towards her, looked her in the eyes. “And other times, when I miss Jake, I remember that I only have you in my life because of him.” She looked up at the stars. “And that he’d be so happy about the things that have happened. That you’re safe. That the world is a better place for kids who are special.”

They walked again.

As they returned home, to the former base commander’s home converted to their use, Sarai spoke. “I think it’ll be easier when you’re back.”

That night, as Sam drifted off to bed, she wondered if she was selfish for not taking the Nexus again yet.

Maybe I’m ready. Maybe I’d help the kids more than I’d hurt them.

She woke hours later in a panic attack, Jake dying in her arms again.

Her heart was pounding. Her chest was heaving. Her skin was lathered in sweat. Her sheets were soaked.

"You'd be happy" she told his ghost. "You'd be so happy. Thank you."

Then she forced herself up, to the floor, forced herself into a cross-legged seated position, forced herself to her other therapy.

Anapana: observe the breath. Observe the thoughts rising. Still the mind.

Then vipassana: observe the body, go deeper, watch the without judgment as the mind works, as it stills. Tranquility grows as insight arrives.

Then metta: the meditation of loving-kindness.