You’re doing well in everything except maths
I hate maths
I will never have to do maths again, no more maths
I will carry a calculator everywhere so I never have to do maths
And some people go to Cambridge And some people go to Oxford
That’s another thing
You have to do special
I think some people are classist
Classist
I think some people are Classist
Yes, we know you learnt a new word sweetheart
Racist Classist Homophobe Homophobic
I think you’re Homophobic, Dad
I think some of the things they say are wrong I think they’re wrong
I think I’ll put Newcastle as my second choice
Jessica is going to a different university
If I go here and you go here that’s different sides of the country
We can phone and email And message
And my mum says trains are not so expensive
We can visit
I think I’ll never meet anyone more perfect than you
I think if I could I’d let you walk around
in my body and I wouldn’t be worried

When my parents look at me can they see I’ve had David Barnsley’s
penis inside me
twice
Does it show in how you walk
I think when I asked Dan to stop kissing me he should have
I will never pass my exams and I’ll be homeless and die Alone
I don’t need a cake you don’t have a cake for your eighteenth
I had a cake for my eighteenth
Yeah like a hundred years ago

Alright
They’d probably just invented cake cake had only just come out
Okay thank you

You’re allowed more than one friend to stay if you like you know
Three B’s and a C in General Studies
no one cares about General Studies (poor mrs hall)
I’m going to university which is what you’re meant to do

Are you sure you don’t want to take it
No
I think you’ll miss it when you get there
I don’t need it

I am leaving home
I am moving away
This is what people do
I’ll be back
For christmas for holidays for weekends if I like
I’m “Leaving Home”
I have a new room with a sink in it a bedroom with a sink in it the shower is down the hall it’s shared shared shower and this is the number for security and this is your key for your room and your key for the block as a whole there’s no lift I’m afraid your parents can park up just here to help you unpack but there’s a two hour maximum period you can stay

I have to
stay
here

Call us at the weekend so we know how you’re getting on
We won’t hug you in front of everyone (please do please hug me please don’t let me go everevereverever)