“The principal suspended me for a week.”

“These stupid school systems beat the curiosity and creativity out of kids,” he said.

“But no one holds a grudge like I do. When I got to fourth grade, I slit the tires on both of their cars. No one ever knew,” I confessed.

Bilal roared with laughter. “I love it! You’ve been a rebel and revolutionary your whole life, woman!”

“True. And you’re the lucky man who married me.”

“Indeed I am.”

We stayed that way for a while, talking, laughing, sharing, making out. I wanted to make love, but my body did not. Or maybe it was the other way around, my body wanted it, but I didn’t. He too seemed lost in his own internal conflict.

He spoke first. “We’re both thinking about it, aren’t we?”

I smiled.

“I respect and accept your wishes, Nahr. You already told me and don’t have to tell me twice. What I wanted to say then is that only we will determine how our relationship should be. We can be whatever we want to each other. We don’t have to make love now, and maybe never, as long as it’s what we desire. All I ask is honesty. I will give you the same, and I will always work to earn and keep your love, respect, and loyalty,” he said.

I burrowed my face in his neck, fulfilled, grateful for this life, and impossibly in love.

He shifted awkwardly. “There’s something else I want to tell you.”

I waited as he searched for the right words.

“I wanted to tell you this the day you confided in me. But I didn’t have your courage,” he began. “When I was in prison the last time, they tortured me in different ways. Years ago, they beat me all over, especially my groin, but this time they hit me over and over in my genitals. I was vomiting constantly, and everything was swollen between my legs. They left me alone after that, but it became infected and they wouldn’t take me to a doctor. That was when I started the hunger strike. By the time they transferred me to the military clinic, the infection was too far gone and the damage could not be repaired.” He shifted again in his seat, holding me hard. “They had to remove one of my testicles.”

He was nearly in tears. I tightened my arms around him.

“I was too ashamed to tell you. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He paused, ran his palm over his face. “And here I am asking you for honesty.” He sucked air through his teeth. “I wanted to tell you then. That I’m only half a man … and I don’t know if I am physically able to make love.” His jaw muscles were contracting under his skin. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.