Now, in my new life, with nothing to do, I feel like I’m decaying, like I’m entering a vegetative state that I will never leave. That the frenetic portions of me I reveled in are so dormant that I’ll never be able to resurrect them. If I think too much, let my mind wander, I sometimes imagine my iMessages chirping, people, not a ton, but a few wanting to see me, inviting me places, yearning for my presence, my expertise.

But today is different. “I’m going into the city.” Her eyes widen and she claps her hands, her many rings banging against each other.

“Good for you! Can you pick up some stuff for me? I can give you a list.” I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“I’m not going to Manhattan, Mom. It’s a quick trip.” She purses her lips in annoyance and slurps back the rest of the smoothie.

“You should move back there,” she says nonchalantly, avoiding my eyes, fiddling with her rings. “I’ve been trying to reach you for months now and I just can’t. Your aura is all over the place. I think you need a change of setting.”

I grit my teeth. “This is my change of setting.”

“Yes, but you’ve been here months now and you won’t go anywhere with me. Not to yoga, not to lunch. Not even to the movies. No one is going to recognize you here, I promise you that.” She begins to run the water. No dirty dishes allowed to sit idly in this house.

I rub my eyes, because I know her endgame. “Fine, fine. I’ll pick up your stuff. Make me a list and I’ll do my best, ’kay?” She turns from the sink and smiles.

“When do you leave?” And I tell her. She offers to drop me off at the train station. A small win. I’ll go to Manhattan first, I decide, then make my way up to the Botanical Gardens later in the day.

Around 7:00 a.m., my mom does her second morning meditation. This is usually when I stare at the wall for a few hours, but this morning, energized by the draw of the city, I do something else, something perhaps equally sad and masochistic: I shoot my old boss, Huda, a text.

I had spent the previous night googling Magdelena. Of course, I had kept some tabs on the company even after losing my job. Apart from that tiny reversal of having my face and name associated with the company, they had been steadily growing. Features in Vogue, The Cut, the New York Times. A small but hopeful show during New York Fashion Week this past February. An updated Shopify site.