“Don’t you dare say that!” I needed him to stop. Stop talking. Stop guilting me. Stop. Stop. Stop! “Do you even miss her?” My voice dropped to a low growl.

Oliver showed me his scolded puppy look.

“I’m sorry.” I was on the verge of tears. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry I’m a terrible wife and neglectful mother and horrible housekeeper. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! But I just don’t know what to be anymore, because I will never be who I used to be—Vera’s mother.”

I felt it before it arrived, the tide pushing against my eyes, my throat, my stomach. A mother’s heart shatters daily, but nothing like this. It should never hurt like this. Unable to stop the tears, I sobbed as the pain swelled. So many tears over so many days. It had been six months, but it felt like six years.

“Of course I miss her,” he consoled. “And I don’t expect you to just move on like she never existed. But there’s nothing else we can do. We’ve done everything we can to find her. But we have to stay strong for Eliot…and especially Sydney.” Oliver pulled me into his arms. “And for each other. I know you’re hurting—I am too. But we still have two little kids who need you…here…now. You can’t get so caught up in the life you lost that you forget the life you still have. With us.”

Still holding me, Oliver turned us toward the living room where Eliot and Sydney laughed at some loud, goofy antic escalating in the cartoon.

“You’re right. But I don’t know how to move on. I can’t stop worrying about her. Wondering if she’s…okay.” I couldn’t say alive. I could never let that doubt creep in.

Oliver handed me back my phone, releasing me with a kiss on my cheek. “All I ask is that you try to be present. For us and for them.”

Oh my heart. Two pieces of it sitting on the sofa snuggled together. I tried every day for them, but trying didn’t seem to be enough. Not enough to cover the guilt that haunted me for what I had done. And for what I continued to do.

Maybe I deserved the hell I was in. Payment for my sins. I had never been punished for that terrible act, or all the lies following it. Maybe I was overdue.

On the counter behind me Oliver’s phone chirped, and I reached to pick it up and hand it to him when he grabbed it. I thought I caught the name Vera in the text message that blinked off the screen.