Anam pulls me into her arms, her arms tight around my neck, nearly choking me. “Apu, stop,” she says, but her voice is thick and wet now. My fists curl into her shirt, hopelessly trying to keep her here, at my side.

“I never meant for things to get this messed up,” I say, the words barely coherent through my sobs. “I—I’m supposed to be your big sister, I’m supposed to look out for you, but I fucked up. I wasn’t trying to abandon—”

“I know, I know,” Anam says brokenly, her fingers tangling in my hair. “I should have—I should have told you sooner, I didn’t—” She makes a low sound in the back of her throat. “Apu, please don’t cry, please, I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry.”

“I should’ve paid more attention, I should’ve realized something was off between us. I didn’t mean to dismiss your worries about Ma and Baba, but I—I got so caught up in leaving, in being free from them, and I wasn’t thinking about how you might feel, and I—”

“Stop,” she says, pulling back to meet my gaze, her face tear streaked and pained. “I was being selfish, it wasn’t fair of me to ask you to stay here when I know how bad Ma and Baba are. I just felt so alone. It felt like you were leaving me behind, while I had to stay here and keep suffering, but I shouldn’t have put that weight on you when it’s not your fault. I’m just so scared—”

“I know.” I can barely see Anam through the haze of my tears. “I’m scared, too, I just don’t let anyone see it. I—I focused it all on the competition, and I shouldn’t have. You’re more important than any competition could ever be. You’re my sister, I love you more than anything, and I should have told you how I felt sooner so you knew I understood where you were coming from. Instead, I ruined everything, I ruined us.”

“Apu,” Anam says, her voice cracking. “I love you, it’s okay. You could never ruin us. It’s okay, it’s going to be okay, I promise.”

“I’m never going to leave you behind,” I say, holding her gaze, willing her to understand my frenzied desperation. “No matter what time of day it is, you can always call me, and I will always answer. I’m sorry I wasn’t paying attention before, but you have to know that I hear you and I see you and I’m here for you.”

Anam sniffles, wiping her nose. “What about when you go to California?”

“Even then,” I say, reaching up to cup her cheeks, even though my fingers are still trembling against her skin. “Especially then.”