“What?” said Maeve. “You youngsters are all the same, think you invented masturbation. When my husband died, I had five children under the age of eight and a farm to run; I had precious little time to find a man to fulfill my needs, so I used my initiative.”

“Is that what they called it in your day?” asked Sally.

The women laughed.

“And I’ve been using it ever since!” said Maeve.

“I’m surprised you had the energy,” said Annie.

“It helped me wind down at the end of the day,” said Maeve.

“Sometimes I think I like the idea of sex more than the actual sex,” said Gemma. “When Brian’s away it’s all I think about, but when he’s home, I’m just too tired most nights. I’d like the orgasm without all the rest of it.”

“Which is exactly my point,” agreed Maeve. “Cut out the middleman.”

“Literally,” said Sally.

“At least you’re guaranteed a good time,” said Annie. “Which is more than can be said sometimes for the real thing.”

Gemma clapped her hands to her cheeks and squeaked: “I completely forgot; you had a date with Paul!”

“Paul the window cleaner?” asked Maeve.

Annie felt her cheeks get hot.

“Hmm,” she said.

“A date?” said Sally. “Nice work. How was it?”

“Raye said you were in the Bounty for dinner,” said Gemma. “And Mrs. Spencer said she saw you leaving his house on the Sunday morning.”

“Well, it seems like the whole of Willow Bay knows exactly how it went,” said Annie.

“Congratulations,” said Maeve. “You’re a ’70s porn cliché.”

“How so?” asked Sally.

“She slept with the window cleaner,” Maeve replied.

Sally laughed loudly, and Gemma choked on her wine.

“Go ahead,” said Annie. “Laugh it up.”

“Will you see him again?” asked Gemma.

“As friends,” said Annie.

“Didn’t float your boat?” asked Sally.

“Let’s just say I’d have been better off with my initiative,” said Annie.

“Dildos!” said Maeve loudly over their laughter. “Dildos are the way forward. Mark my words! Mine’s called Fernando. A good strong name; exotic.”

“For Christ’s sake, Maeve!” Gemma spluttered.

“You named your dildo?” asked Sally.

“Can we stop saying the word dildo?” asked Gemma.

Maeve ignored her. “Yes,” she said. “Technically this is Fernando the Third.”

“Blimey,” said Annie. “You get through them.”

“My husband died over thirty years ago.”

“You haven’t had sex in over thirty years?” Sally looked faint.

“I doubt I’d find a man as reliable as Fernando.”

“The Third,” added Annie.

“Quite,” said Maeve. “I upgraded on the last one.” Maeve wiggled her little finger and winked.