JOYCE   Nancy!
Gilbert rushes out. Joyce looks at the pig, then purposefully puts on an apron. She gets the knife and begins to move in on the pig.

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM/KITCHEN. NIGHT.

The preparations for the Royal Wedding Dinner, which we observed earlier, are now nearly complete. Three or four tables run the length of the room, one running across the top. Floral decorations are being prepared. Portraits of Princess Elizabeth and Lieutenant Mountbatten being put into position. We track through this to the kitchen. Where we find Dr Swaby, Lockwood, Inspector Noble and Nuttall sitting around despondently, holding a council of war.

LOCKWOOD   A hundred and fifty people. A hundred and fifty people. (He opens a bare cupboard.)

INSPECTOR NOBLE   It’ll be in the papers, of course. They’ll jump on it. ‘Leading Lights in Dinner Fiasco.’
Lockwood opens another cupboard. The same.

DR SWABY   Of course it’s practical socialism. That’s what it’s going to be like now. What’s yours is mine. Excuse me while I help myself. I’d have them bastinadoed. I’d flay them alive.

LOCKWOOD   What about some tinned salmon?

DR SWABY   Tinned salmon? Tinned salmon? I’ve got the North Western Area President of the Prudential Building Society coming. You don’t offer Arthur Cunliffe tinned salmon.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   ‘Civic Row Over Paltry Fare.’

NUTTALL   I’ve been trying to put my hands on a few chickens. (Shakes his head.) People I’ve dealt with for years.

DR SWABY   Well, I’m not surprised. Not surprised at all. God, it’s a nasty piss-stained little country now, is this. It’s like this new Health Service. Do you realise that any little poorly pillock is henceforth going to be able to knock on my door and say, ‘I’m ill. Treat me.’ Anybody! Me!
The hotel manager comes in.

HOTEL MANAGER   I can put my hands on two turkeys in Bradford.

LOCKWOOD   Two? Two? We’ve got a hundred and fifty people coming, and Jesus isn’t one of them.

DR SWABY   Two turkeys in Bradford. Five years of war and that’s what it’s come to: two turkeys in Bradford.

HOTEL MANAGER   Well, do you want them or don’t you? I’ve got him on the phone.
Nuttall, Lockwood, Dr Swaby and Inspector Noble get up and go with the hotel manager. They see Gilbert sitting at the bar.

DR SWABY   We’re finished, you and me, Lockwood. That’s what’s coming to the top. The scum. No class. No breeding. No morals.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   No pig.

DR SWABY   I give this country five years.

INT. ALLARDYCES’ SITTING ROOM. NIGHT.